Feb 17, 2009

[Darla Shine]

What am I doing here and where did Darla go? So if you read my thread about my shock at how different my bff had become, you will understand how shocked I am at who I have become. It has taken me a few days to allow myself to absorb the fact that maybe, just maybe, I am the annoying one. Maybe I am the one who has changed drastically. HELP! I think I have turned into my mother. Or maybe not my mother, but certainly some crazy older lady who is too concerned about the dust ball in the corner.

I was pretty annoyed at my friend's lazy attitude not picking up after her children or worrying about what they ate. In the restaurant I commented to her that her child was eating 'two meat dishes,' chicken wings as an appetizer and burger for his meal. "What is he eating that is healthy?" I asked. When we went outside into the cold winter air I asked why her children didn't have a hat on? When she wanted to get the children ice cream I said they didn't need to eat ice cream in the winter. And when she brought my children chocolate candy hearts for Valentines Day I lifted the box up to see if it was candy made in China with melomine in it. I wouldn't let anyone wear their shoes in my house and before they left to go back home I was already washing their sheets.

Have I become so over the top that I look like a lunatic? Am I so obcessed with a clean house that I can't enjoy my company? Do I really need to butt in and question other mother's choices for their children? Who do I think I am?

I often joke that it would be so much easier if I was dumber. Really, having a brain can plague you. You read and think and want better for yourself and your family. It would be nice to not worry about the economy or toxic food or pesticides on my floors. It would be nice to not have a clue. I wish I didn't let all these things bother me. But I cannot stop. And as I get older it gets worse.

Now I understand how old ladies get so set in their ways because I see it happening with me. I have got to become more tolerant of the way other peope do things. I have got to be open minded. I have to be more accepting. And I have to realize that I can't change anyone or the world. I can only change me.

[Caroline Stanley]

I often joke that it would be so much easier if I was dumber. Really, having a brain can plague you.

Lordy, don't I know it! ;)

Darla, it's a wise woman who can stop a moment and become introspective like you just have. My dad used to get so aggravated at my mother and me when we said certain things about so-and-so. If mom or I would complain about something silly that had no effect on us, he would shake his head and say, "it's no skin off your nose!". That of course translates to the old, mind your own business, statement. I think you're wonderfully bright, witty and caring. So after this visit you realize that maybe you were a bit hard on your friend. You realize that it's on her if her kid has no veggies for lunch. Maybe he eats veggies 6 other lunches a week but this was special (and it probably won't kill him or block his little arteries prematurely). Maybe ice cream was a treat she'd been waiting to give her child. I think it's fine to be obsessed with what *we* do, whether it's chasing the dust bunnies, pumping fiber into our family or checking labels to make sure there aren't poisons in things we eat, wear or play with.

If we have tact with others and give them a little grace (as long as they're not out and out stupid or offensive), I think we're doing okay. You have to be true to your nature, just as I do. You're not a "bury your head in the sand" or "don't read the label, I don't wanna know" type of girl. But...you can say things with kindness and love and you can really just laugh and not say anything at all. It is difficult, though, and I'm not saying I'm great at it. If I told everyone what I thought or felt during a day's time, I'm positive people would think I'm stark raving mad. And not very nice. But that's alright if the majority of what I do and say is seasoned with love.

[jreidmomof2]

Darla I am honestly in the same boat I think. I look forward to following this thread to see the girls insight. But I honestly don't think you are a lunatic. I actually am blessed to have "met" you. You are a very powerful and insightful woman. I have learned alot from you.

Honestly John is the one that brings me in sometimes. Last night we went bowling. I pulled out a handy wipe to wipe the finger holes of the balls (yuck). He looked at me and shook his head no. And the kids wanted fried cheesesticks and fries because the kids that were there with us had them. I ordered it for them. Ashley had never had a fried cheesestick. And the mom that was with me was shocked that she had never had one.

I am trying, it just takes babysteps. I have a hard time letting my hair down. But that is why I went looking for this sight to begin with.

[helen]

Darla you are not a lunatic. You are just being YOU and that is ok. We all have our "things" that we must do. Its what makes us who we are. I think as we age we all grow and change. I think what is most important is being tolerant of others and taking the time to retrospect which you have done. Personally I think you are amazing my dear.

[RedSonja94]

I think we all need to be a little introspective. We all have things that really bug us and sometimes we are very vocal about them. I would definately not have been able to keep my mouth shut about the no hats thing. That is an absolute in my house. I never let the kids out without hats in winter.

[kelly]

oh darla!! i have been doing this so much lately!! it seems like i have been standing outside myself and watching. it's good to do. take stock of where we are, where we were and all the places in btwn.

[dawn]

Sometimes when I find my self looking at someone and judging them, I stop and think of how they are seeing me. It kind of gives you a reality check.
My way is just that. MY way. Its not yours, or hers, or his..but mine.
Theres more than one way to skin a cat.
I've tried to be more open to new things, and as I've aged its gotten a lot easier..and believe me I have a horrible stubborn streak.
I have to remember that "it takes all kinds". Not everyone is going to parent their children like I do. Not everyone is going to clean their home like I do.
I have learned to be more tolerant of people by asking myself "how does this affect me or my life?" Most of the time it doesn't. So I let it go.

[josee]

you sound like a normal mom to me!

(ps- i am just like you Darla.)

[robyn hardisty]

Maybe you should drink more wine. :)

[Nina Q]

Darla and co.,
In my head, its a far cry between not eating enough veggies and letting their kids hit mine b/c "boys will be boys". How other people parent when it doesn't affect me is much easier to tolerate than when I have to be exposed to it or it directly impacts me and mine.

I have a long, long, long time friend that I don't do anything with b/c of her parenting. I don't want how her kids behave to rub off on mine, ya know? That really applied more when theyr were toddlers and pre-k. Eventually, we got the point where MY kid didn't want to go to her house(or have them over) b/c of how much of a douche her kid was/is.

And yes, I too need to let go of things that don't affect me. But sometimes, it seems like everything sorta affects me in that "it takes a village" to raise a child.

[lauramt]

Darla, I think it's okay to a point that you share you opinions with your BFF. We all do that. But you need to stop and look at the situation. How would you truly feel if she did that to you? I mean, she can read your book, she knows where you stand on things.

Now, being obsessed with housework and dust bunnies. Well, it's okay sometimes, but as my grandma says, "enjoy the blessing you have in front of you, not the dirty dishes in the sink." There is a balance as with anything in life, you can go to far in one direction. You just need to decide where that "balance" is for you.

Hugs to you Darla!

[jennypenny]

Well, she was in your home. Shouldn't she have bent more towards the way you do things? (then you would have felt comfortable in your own home)
I would love to climb into your head and know some of the thing you know. (for example, the chemicals in the v-day candy)
Don't sweat it-we love you girl.

[Lauren M.]

Well Darla, I hope this will cheer you up....

I just turned off today's Oprah with the author of "Why Men Cheat" or something like that, (I missed the first show, this was the follow-up one... )where he explained steps in how to "affair-proof" your marriage.

Darla, there was nothing that this man said that you have not been shouting from the rooftops since day one. (I was shocked at how many women were so ANGRY at this man for saying how important it is to appreciate your husband???)

So, I just wanted to tell you, that while we're ALL working out our quirks in life (LOL), I just couldn't wait to get to my computer to tell you how much I love you, how grateful I am for your example, and that your voice is a great blessing to the world!!!!

So you just rest in that thought!!! :4:

[Darla Shine]

You know I was being sarcastic about the lunatic thing. And I was trying to realize that maybe I could lighten up. But, I still think my way is the right way. And yes she has read my book but she is not a happy housewife. I can accept that. The point of what I wrote was that I realize I should just shut my mouth a bit more. LOL

[shoppingmamma]

Great post! :)

I too sometimes look at friends or family and wonder if I am the crazy one! My hubby will say in your relationship with so and so and then the seperate relationship with so and so you think they are both nuts but what is the common denominator...hmmm...well ...ME! LOL ;)

But honestly I think alot of what you were saying is true...the healthy eating and her picking up after her own kids - that would drive me crazy as well!!! ;)

[ssarniak]

Sometimes it can be hard to step back and look at yourself from an outside perspective. But it's a great skill to be able to have the empathy to understand how others might see something.

I think that just by noticing this was happening you will be able to turn it around. Sometimes I say very stupid things that I immediately regret afterward so sometimes I'll just try to literally say things in my mind before I say them outloud so I can think about if it's going to offend someone else. It helps me out when I feel like I'm saying the wrong things.

Good luck!