Blog 5/16

[Darla Shine]

So I have't written a blog in a few weeks. How does everyone keep up with writing blogs every day? I don't get it. Maybe its because I am on here each day and anything worthy of writing or sharing you all know. And then there is face book, twitter, the telephone, and how much extra time do we have? You know when the children are smaller and you are home for most of the time, there are days when you feel so alone, I know it, and talking to other women on the internet is stimulating. We can come here or any of the other forums out there and chat with other great gals. But, it worries me. With all of us blogging, chatting, on the internet so much, I am concerned that it is bad for us.

First off the pressure put on moms today because of the internet is enormous. There are so many sites on parenting, marriage, sex, health, family, spending time reading it and trying to keep up with doing it all right is maddening. If you aren't doing it all you're a slacker parent. Think about it. When I was a kid I did nothing. Maybe I tool tap one year. But no one I knew was being carted around after school. None of us went to pre school. In kindergarten none of us knew how to read and our parents didn't teach us. It was more of the 'here we fed you now go play' type of childhood. We made mud pies, we rode our bikes, we came in for dinner and we had some homework.

My daughter has an average of one hour per night for homework and she is in the third grade. Every kid we know is in at least three activities. God forbid your kid isn't playing tennis or baseball in this town. And watching the parents at the science fair the other night, I realized that we have all gone over the top.

There are thousands and thousands of parenting/mom sites out there. We are on hydro-parent mode. And even hydro-woman mode. And I have caused some of this.

So my question to all of you, 'Is the pressure too much?' Are we creating a generation of needy insecure kids with over indulgent parents?

Have we spent so much time researching how to be perfect and lost valuable hands on experience?

I just read that the highest divorce rates are among psychiatrist and psychologists. Now this is disturbing. People we turn to for advice can't keep their own marriage together.

I also read that women today are on more anti-depressant drugs than any time in history. Is it because we simply have access to them easily or is it because we are more anxiety ridden?

None of us can be perfect but is the idea that we should be too much? Maybe we could all use some slacking off. Maybe we should be more like the European's who take a three hour family time break from work each day.

America has the highest cancer rate in the world. I think its the pressure.

I just read another article about being 'in shape and fabulous during pregancy.' Geez! Even those nine months of pigging out and laying around like a blob are being robbed from us.

What's next?

[mamaof4]

I've said this somewhere along the line in another post. Our world is crazy. It is all about keeping up with the joneses. Who wears what and who does what. My kids are in ZERO sports. To me having to run to practice 3 to 4 nights a week and then have games on the weekend is CRAZY. NO offense to the parents that do this. We just choose not to. My kids come home and ride bikes and build forts. They are happy and healty and no pressure... I guess I am simple. I buy my clothes at wal-mart or the thrift store. My kids wear hand me downs. And we stay home. We enjoy going to car shows 1 night a week and on the weekends but we do this TOGETHER. I made mud pies and rode my bike until I could drive. The world is changing but I refuse to let it change me or my family values... I come on this sight everyday to check in with girls I have plenty of things in common with. We may not always agree but we are able to give eachother great advice...
I don't think I short change my kids in any way. They get 3 good homemade meals a day a clean house and A lOT of love. We are a simple family.. We have simple rules and simple values!!!!!

As far as divorce rates go. Maybe if women quit competing with their husbands and just followed God's plan this world and all the families would be in a better place. If a mom can stay home she should be home taking care of her kids the house and her man... I have met so many moms that work because they " don't know how I could sit in the house all day with the kids " Wake up women..... Then you wonder why we have all of these out of control, disrespectful kids out there....

And SSRI drugs, don't get me started.... I won't even go there.. All I will say is they are used as a crutch and can destroy lives. I know from experience.....

As far as ritilin for kids. Parents need to take some responsibility. Take the time with your kids. So many parents and doctors want to throw kids on meds because they are TOO hyper.. Another don't get me started..

Sorry to rant, this just struck a cord....

[lauramt]

My opinion is this, all good things in moderation. I come online to this site because of the companionship. I'm home 24/7 with my kids for the most part. I need the friendship. Without it, I'm a miserable mommy. I need it to keep me going and to feel like "me" not just a "mom." To me, a break here and there to check in with you all is great. I don't think my home and family suffer because of my time on the internet. Then again, I don't spend tons of time surfing. I get on, get what I need and then get off. I don't blog, I don't do websites, I just get on, talk and get off. My house is in order and I cook 3 meals a day. We sit down to dinner every night for dinner. I find time to bake cookies and watch cheesy movies with my kids.

I agree with the statement that kids are doing to many activities. I allow my kids (the older two) ONE extra activity. During the school year we are doing Girl Scouts once a week. For the summer we will do swim lessons. That's it. I believe that kids should be kids. They don't need to be stressed out, they will have plenty of time for that when they grow up. I believe that kids are totally washable and that if they are outside getting dirty, then they are using their imaginations. If the sun it out, my kids are outside away from the TV and computer. I have known some parents who have their kids scheduled in 4 or 5 extra activities after school and on weekends. My question is, when is family time? Do they sit down for dinner at night as a family or are they eating on the go so they can go and do extra things. I know some parents don't see it this way and they are totally entitled to their opinions. They can raise their children anyway they want.

I'm torn on the anti-depressant issue. After I gave birth I suffered from post-partum. I needed medication. It helped. I got my life back.

I think parents need to be parents. Not their child's "friend." That comes later in life. So many parents stop attending to their kids when the "cute and cuddly" stage is over. It's sad, but you see it all the time.

[Darla Shine]

I don't mean to say we come on the net and negect our families, what I mean is we come on here and I think its easy to get swept up with the idea of what is out there and it can be overwhelming.

That if we aren't playing french tapes to our pregnant bellies, or if we aren't making a soufle' for dinner, we suck. And that if we spend too much time on here or out there trying to figure out how to be maybe we are missing being... does that makes sense?

I could write a whole new book on this... it's hard to some up in a short post.

I just want to get to smell the roses, even if they are wilting.

[lauramt]

Ahh, Darla, roses might wilt, but with proper care, they will continue to bloom year after year after year........ (metaphoric)

I get what your saying. Totally.

[suzanne]

great points Darla. I agree that all this technology/informational websites, etc. can be a hindrance to those who strive to be like others. Or are worried that they will be missing out on something if the don't "do it all". I think people are starting to catch on to this though. More people are realizing less is more.

[Ann77]

I think the world has gone crazy too, with activities for kids, etc. I stay home, and my neighborhood is empty until about 4:30 or 5 because even the SAHMs feel all this pressure to get their kids enrolled in all these activities every day.

I kind of think it is a spinoff of our daycare/working mom culture.

As women started working, and using daycare, the moms at home began to be fed this nonsense that their SAH kids were missing out on something. Then the daycares started promoting themselves as learning centers. Now even the SAHMs are feeling pressure to enroll their two-year-olds in preschool so they can be "socialized."

I only have one kid in K so far, but we get a half hour of homework every night. It's terrible IMO. It's Kindergarten for crying out loud. Reading together, I could see. But worksheets?

[Pucca]

Once again Darla, you have hit the nail on the head. I think that Caroline you and I have said this so many times and in so many other threads. You even point something out along these lines in your book. I like the fact that you see this, and you don't want your site to just be another one of these time and family devouring steps in anti-living. Did anyone happen to see the special the other night about Farah Fawcett? Her fight with cancer is just painful to even see on TV. I am sitting there putting myself in her place. Even with this fight for her life she is smiling, showing her husband and family tons of love and doing as much as she can for them- even weighing 112lbs, she is making her Christmas Pies, and taking naps inbetween each one. She says "live now while you are healthy.Don't wait to live when you are told you are about to die". I cried through the whole show. This woman and so many others would give anythig to be as healthy as we are, and here we are not doing all we can do to "live". It makes me so sad, so sick, and so failing as a wife and mother. You are right, we are too busy trying to be PERFECT and up to Parr that we don't LIVE, and the sick thing....we are teaching our kids to be the same way.


http://watching-tv.ew.com/2009/05/farrahs-story-f.html

[Darla Shine]

I wanted to see the Farah Fawcett documentary so badly, do you know if it is going to be on again?

[blondemama]

With all the summer sign ups going on i've been bombarded with advertisements for summer programs and it made me think about why some families feel they need to entertain their kids 24/7. Is it because they are bored? I know i get bored with being home all the time. We have playgroups and do library programs but i sometimes do feel like my kids aren't learning at the rate of their preschool peers. I would love to be the perfect mom who has the time and know how to cook every meal from scratch and organic, have a spotless/eco friendly house, have well educated and mannered and socialized kids, time and will power to be in shape and sexy, and all the while engage my kids in stimulating activities...but even as i write this i feel overwhelmed. I sometimes think i have a hard time being perfect because i never had a good role model. My mom didn't stay home, keep her house spotless, or do very good at keeping up her appearance. I'm amazed and feel blessed to know moms who seem to do all this plus are thrifty enough they have YEARS worth of savings in the savings account, involved in the community ect.
I agree with Lauramt all things in moderation. We have more opportunities to engage and stimulate our children than i think our parents did but in the end we all know that the love and relationships are what really count.

[Fabian]

I agree with all you guys here, and I think over-socialising, over-structured activities constantly not only serve to stress kids out (pressure) but also smacks of great insecurity and competitiveness of the mum involved. Kids like simple things and they also like some structured activities too, but keep it to a manageable amount!

In our house, we'll be facing different issues, and we will have to keep things really simple. As a foster family, it is sometimes about the simple stuff, as these kids have nothing, and even the teenagers have to 'learn' how to play. They have never had the chance before.

My social worker has said that she often catches 15 year old playing secretly with baby toys as they had never had them before.

My point here is, that it is the simple things the kids remember the most, or miss the most if they haven't had the chance to do it. Do these deprived children ask for extra lessons & clubs etc? NO! they want to sit down with a game to share.

This in turn takes a lot of scheduling pressure off the parents, who I reckon will in turn be happier and more effective if the balance is right.

[Ann77]

I think some activities are good, I could have used a few more as a kid. I think it is all about balance.

Of course, there are some kids who have too few, and some kids who have way too many.

I also think that sports are starting way too young for children, but that's probably a separate thread!

[judesmama]

I agree with all you guys here, and I think over-socialising, over-structured activities constantly not only serve to stress kids out (pressure) but also smacks of great insecurity and competitiveness of the mum involved. Kids like simple things and they also like some structured activities too, but keep it to a manageable amount!

In our house, we'll be facing different issues, and we will have to keep things really simple. As a foster family, it is sometimes about the simple stuff, as these kids have nothing, and even the teenagers have to 'learn' how to play. They have never had the chance before.

My social worker has said that she often catches 15 year old playing secretly with baby toys as they had never had them before.

My point here is, that it is the simple things the kids remember the most, or miss the most if they haven't had the chance to do it. Do these deprived children ask for extra lessons & clubs etc? NO! they want to sit down with a game to share.

This in turn takes a lot of scheduling pressure off the parents, who I reckon will in turn be happier and more effective if the balance is right.

Yep, I think you are spot on!

I think a lot of parents are actually doing their children a disservice with the "constant stimulation" phenonmenon. I think downtime, independent play, simple activities, etc are what kids need to expand their minds! What comes to my mind is a mom on another baby website I read... at 6 MONTHS (I kid you not), she said she had her son in "classes" 3 - 4 days a week, lasting from 30 - 45 minutes. She works part-time and hired a full-time nanny to teach him "skills" like animal noises and - get this - SITTING UP! It just struck me as so odd. She, and many other moms, have this obsession with their kids being the BEST, the smartest, the fastest, whatever. Childhood only lasts so long and it's important to let kids play and have fun!

I totally get what you're saying about technology, too. I told my husband last night that I was spending wayyy too much time on another message board and decided to just stop reading it/posting cold turkey. It's so easy to get sucked in and compare yourself to other moms and get down on yourself.

[SarahCBJ]

This is one of my biggest pet peeves.

You can always spot the over-committed family. They are the first to back out of commitments, blow off things they agreed to do, are late more often and overall less courteous (never RSVP, often late to functions, always have a ready excuse as to why they did not do what they said they would do, think their time is more important than everyone elses). Instead of doing a few things well, they seem to half-ass everthing because they have so much going on.

Their kids have a harder time sitting still or being able to focus during quiet time. They feel the need to be constantly engaged and entertained. They are overstimulated and don't even know it. Then their parents want to label them with all kinds of disorders and over-medicate them, when the real problem is that the kids have never had to sit still and work independently. (and then the kids that truly do have probelms are having their resources diminished on kids that have no problems other than parents who think that a 5 minute car ride needs both a gameboy and a dvd player.)

I wish these over-committed parents would realize that kids need unstructured, undirected play time to develop their imagination, and the ability to think and play independently. Kids need down time.

Sometimes I wonder if all these activities aren't just another form of day-care. These parents keep their kids' schedules so loaded down that they hardly ever have to actually be responsible for teaching and playing with them.

I know I have a pretty harsh attitude, but I think we really need to unplug out kids a bit.

A few weeks ago, Darla made the comment that she loves the days when she does not have to follow a structured schedule the best. No scheduled appointements, or commitments. She said she felt so much better on those days when she did not have scheduled requirements. Why are our kids any different? If we feel that way, you can bet they do too.

[BellaLuna]

I spent the weekend bawling my eyes out because my 16 year old went to a movie with a boy and his family and then over to his house for dinner. I mean it was a matter of a few hours, but I saw her whole childhood flash right before my eyes. I was telling my husband "I need more time." There is just never enough time with your babies. She is growing up and in 2 years its off to college. I did stay home with her and sister, I still only work part time and I still find myself wishing I could turn back the clock and spend even more time with them, take more pictures and have more days of just making memories. I can't imagine how I would be feeling if I held down a full time job all these years. The things I would have missed!

Oh and Darla they keep showing the Farrah story on the Oxygen network. I saw it on there a couple of times this past weekend.

[Ann77]

I remember I spent like a week (trying) to teach my first baby how to use a spoon after someone freaked me out and said he should be feeding himself. lol

(I understand that some kids need interventions and help, but for a typical kid, they'll figure it out.)

[blondemama]

I sometimes wonder if the families who do all the activities is a way out of hard work. Instead of being creative, focused and actually spend quality time with their kids it's easier to show up for a class or hire a "nanny" to do all the hard work.
Being in some playgroups i began to feel the pressure of my kids not being up to par but then i realized that kids are not machines they are people with unique gifts and challenges. It took me awhile and sometimes i still find myself glancing at the Jones to realize that the best thing i can do for my lil angels is to get to know them, love them, play with them and be a role model of what i value. It is amazing how children want to please you and learn when they are in a no stress environment.

[josee]

being in shape during pregnancy - heck, the only exercise i got during pregnancy was lifting the chocolate bar to my mouth and back down! LOL

people need to give themselves a break and just be happy! who u trying to impress anyways?

[Fabian]

I sometimes wonder if the families who do all the activities is a way out of hard work. Instead of being creative, focused and actually spend quality time with their kids it's easier to show up for a class or hire a "nanny" to do all the hard work.
Being in some playgroups i began to feel the pressure of my kids not being up to par but then i realized that kids are not machines they are people with unique gifts and challenges. It took me awhile and sometimes i still find myself glancing at the Jones to realize that the best thing i can do for my lil angels is to get to know them, love them, play with them and be a role model of what i value. It is amazing how children want to please you and learn when they are in a no stress environment.


Hear Hear! No stress environment! they get enough targets at school!!

[Seashell]

I am an Activities Mama, and it is so freakin fun. My 14yr old Daughter plays Softball, and has since she was five. She also plays Soccer in the Fall. We are her biggest fans. I would be at her games pregnant with a baby in a back pack. It is a family affair. Now, we take a beach bucket set to the ball feild and my cubs have a blast playing in the dirt with all the other little children. They cheer their sister on when she goes up to bat., and brag to all the other kids about her. ( Super cute for a Mama to over hear) It keeps her active and discipled.

Once a week I take my little guy to Karate, and his Sisters and myself watch everything he does, and he does well knowing we are watching him. He looks like a proud little Prince, training to be a Warrior. Karate enforces respect and discipline.

And one day a week is dedicated to my 4 year old, she has Ballett class. It is just a simple parks and rec class, but she can not wait for her day to come, because she knows we will all be watching her, and we do. And I look forward to that once a week ballett class, because there is nothing cuter than a little Chub in a Tutu.

And in the Summer my little guy will go to nature camp, and my oldest will do a Softball camp. It is only two weeks out of the Summer, it is good for them. I am not pawning them off because I am a big part of it. I drive them where they need to go, and wait with them. I don't do this because I would feel like a bad Mom if I didn't, I do it because it is fun for my kids and for me. There is no pressure, because I am a Stay at home Mama after all, so I look forward to the time out on the town with the kids.

Sorry about that, I never meant to type that much. I started rambling somewhere.

I can see both sides though, not all parents have time for activities and the pressure of keeping up with the Jones's is tough. I have nothing but time.

[Primrose]

Yes, some good points Darla. I do think there's too much pressure put on parents to be helicopter parents. One of my main beefs is the learn to swim lessons. Everybody I know seems to have booked their child into learn to swim so very early. When I was growing up we were about seven or eight and that was considered normal. And yet there seems to be more kids drowning than ever! Most of my friends have their four year olds doing two or three activities outside of their childcare. My daughter who is four does ballet and that's it. I'm quite strict about not having playdates on her preschool days as she gets so tired and only having them on her days off. I think some of the time parents try to be friends with their children rather than setting limits for them. I read recently that there are some parents injecting their own children with human growth hormone so they can grow taller. Now, that's insane!
As for the Blogging, Facebook, Twitter thing. I do Facebook and MySpace as I have a product to sell so I use it for that. However, to be honest with you Darla, I think the world has gone a bit mad and narcissistic to the extreme. I really don't think we all need to post constant updates on what we are doing. Our lives are not that fascinating! Even people I admire, I don't want to know they are having a bowel moment or whatever. There should be some mystery in peoples lives. I tried to Blog but had to give it up as I couldn't write books and Blog and I know which I would prefer to do. I want to live my life. Not narrate it to total strangers. I think the Facebook/MySpace/Twitter thing is something we should all be wary of. Everything in moderation and not to lose sight of the simple pleasures of life as in enjoying a stroll in nature, or a fresh orange.
This is a strange generation of parents. Never before since the Victorians have children been placed on such a pedestal and glorified so much. We all worry so much over whether our child is socializing enough etc. My parents would haven't given a second thought to stuff like that! However, I think we have gone too far in the other direction and need to really celebrate our children as being children and not pushing them into being super children.
Your original Blog is like 2 posts in one. There is the question of hyper-parenting and also the dependence on Technology as well. Interesting Blog!

[meta]

Primrose writes:
There should be some mystery in peoples lives. I tried to Blog but had to give it up as I couldn't write books and Blog and I know which I would prefer to do. I want to live my life. Not narrate it to total strangers. I think the Facebook/MySpace/Twitter thing is something we should all be wary of. Everything in moderation and not to lose sight of the simple pleasures of life as in enjoying a stroll in nature, or a fresh orange.
This is a strange generation of parents. Never before since the Victorians have children been placed on such a pedestal and glorified so much. We all worry so much over whether our child is socializing enough etc. My parents would haven't given a second thought to stuff like that! However, I think we have gone too far in the other direction and need to really celebrate our children as being children and not pushing them into being super children.


I couldn't agree with you more, Primrose. Although I succumbed to Facebook only recently and something positive came out of it. I found my long lost friend at last through it.
But on being mysterious, yes, that's why I'm not a fan of current actors as everybody know their privacy.
And as for the children, I have been an unconventional mother to a daughter and we're both doing just fine without all these pressures mothers go through today when she was growing up.

[jennypenny]

I did not read anything but the original post by Darla. (I will read tomorrow. I really am curious how everyone else is dealing)
I am going to be 100% honest. I have been in tears for days. I am strung out, stressed, and on the edge.
Right now, I am going to bed. I need some sleep....just wanted to say, this blog entry is dead on.

[Darla Shine]

Jennifer??? I have been thinking about you. Do you feel better?

[jennypenny]

That is sweet. I am sorry that I did not come back and update.

This just were overwhelming for a bit.

My oldest son is changing schools next year. (old one was on my last nerve...long story) He had entry testing that determined that he was behind in math. We paid big money for an advanced, college prep school last year. Never a word from them on any problems. His grades certainly did not refelct it. On top of that, they said he has dysphalsia, (spelling??) which will require occupational therapy.I was all ready speaking with a therapist to help with social issues.
(I won't even get started on the money...$100 an hour for the therapist...$600 allergy testing!!!)
One of the twins in in speech therapy. The other has eczema so severe that he bleeds. (and I have tried EVERYTHING) He is now being allergy tested, and will need regular visits. So, now I get to arrange weekly appointments for-
-math tutoring
-occupational therapy
-therapist
-speech therapy
-allergist

I just wanted to take a break, and play with my kids this summer. No schedule, just relax!

I feel selfish. My next door neighbor was in an accident eight weeks ago. He will never walk again, or hold his two boys. He is paralyzed from the neck down. How can I get stressed over such small things?

I try not to let trivial things get me down...sometimes it is just hard. I really appreciate you asking about me. (((HUGS)))

[Darla Shine]

Pee will get rid of the eczema.