How far can you go?

[Darla Shine]

Is it always the best idea to give you opinion? And how far can you go? I have a very strong point of view on many issues and any of you who listen to my radio show know that. However, I also think I am easy going with a lot of things. But, if something someone does bothers you do you say something or keep your mouth shut? Or is it better to say something or keep your mouth shut? I always thought if you cared about someone deeply sometimes you might have to act with tough love. When my cousin was gettin divorced I tried everything in my power to talk her out of it. We even got into an argument and didn't talk for years because I had so much resentment towards her for ruining her marriage. Was it my business? No I guess but I knew she was going to regret it and she did. Luckily they are remarried. Do you know she told me recently that she thought I didn't try hard enough to stop her. She needed me deep down to snap some sense into her. Another girlfriend was allowing her husband to go out all the time with his buddies. I told her she was crazy to let him vacation with these single guys all the time. We broke up our friendship ove this. But now they are getting divorced because she found out he was cheating. I could go on with other stories of how I opened my mouth. But, I believe if you care for someone you have to open your mouth. And when do you zip it? I do this a lot. Believe me. But is that the right thing to do? If you have a friend with a teenage daughter who you know is screwing around and doing bad things, do you tell her? If your friend's kid is a total brat do you say something? Where do you draw the line? And what does it take to really ruin a friendship? Can a close friendship really take honesty? What do you think? And when the table is turned do we want people to tell us the truth? Are we willing to hear it?

[keltie]

Wow, I don't know Darla. I think it depends on the relationship you have with the person. As for me, I'm very non-confrontational and do NOT give my opinion, in general, unless it's asked for. My sister was married for 14 years to a man who I believed was dangerous and disturbed, and without going into the details, turned out I was right. I remember when they were first married- I tried to give my opinion but quickly saw that it was going nowhere and I had to make a choice to preserve my relationship with her and keep my mouth shut or lose her. Our relationship suffered- it was shallow and non-fulfilling, but now she is getting a divorce (in this case, it's a good thing) and we have hashed out years of unspoken problems. I just couldn't talk to her about it when they were married.

I do think if you truly have the person's best interest at heart and are not deliberately trying to pry or be bossy, it's OK to gently ask if they want your opinion. But be prepared to back off if it's not welcome.

[lousie]

hi darla i cannot say what is right or wrong but this did happen with me many times dear ones did misuderstand and i lost my relationships with friends so i reached a balance state now only to open my mouth when asked for opinion and be cool not reacting as if i qas in there situation as sometimes others will cool in some situations then the way we react so in short they make think it is not so serious as we think then opinions change we lose people thats what i feel:001_005:Is it always the best idea to give you opinion? And how far can you go? I have a very strong point of view on many issues and any of you who listen to my radio show know that. However, I also think I am easy going with a lot of things. But, if something someone does bothers you do you say something or keep your mouth shut? Or is it better to say something or keep your mouth shut? I always thought if you cared about someone deeply sometimes you might have to act with tough love. When my cousin was gettin divorced I tried everything in my power to talk her out of it. We even got into an argument and didn't talk for years because I had so much resentment towards her for ruining her marriage. Was it my business? No I guess but I knew she was going to regret it and she did. Luckily they are remarried. Do you know she told me recently that she thought I didn't try hard enough to stop her. She needed me deep down to snap some sense into her. Another girlfriend was allowing her husband to go out all the time with his buddies. I told her she was crazy to let him vacation with these single guys all the time. We broke up our friendship ove this. But now they are getting divorced because she found out he was cheating. I could go on with other stories of how I opened my mouth. But, I believe if you care for someone you have to open your mouth. And when do you zip it? I do this a lot. Believe me. But is that the right thing to do? If you have a friend with a teenage daughter who you know is screwing around and doing bad things, do you tell her? If your friend's kid is a total brat do you say something? Where do you draw the line? And what does it take to really ruin a friendship? Can a close friendship really take honesty? What do you think? And when the table is turned do we want people to tell us the truth? Are we willing to hear it?

[Ann77]

I'm like you, I'm likely to give my real opinion on things with my friends because I care about them so much.

Now. Does anyone ever listen to me? Nope! I can't imagine why, my advice is so awesome! :)

I just had a situation like this IRL. A friend of mine "reconnected" with an ex on FB and they were getting way too close, texting all of the time, etc. Then he disappeared and she was all pining away for him and telling me about it. Well, I told her to completely disconnect in all ways from him (defriend, block his email, change your cell number if necessary), that she was going to destroy her marriage and family. Did she? Nope. So what was the point? I'll never do that again. What she wanted from me was to commiserate with her on her missing him.

I usually regret telling what I really think. I've now changed my tune and basically become a yes-man with most friends and family. I'll just tell them what they want to hear. People really don't want to hear advice most of the time, they just want you to echo back what they already think. And people need to learn the lesson themselves.

Interestingly, I've found that the websites like this are actually much better places to get advice on stuff because people are more objective and will tell you what they really think. And I also think that people are more open to really hearing different opinions on a message board. Maybe something that hurts coming from your sister doesn't hurt as much if you just read it on a website? And I think there is a way to give good advice that might be painful to hear, in a gentle, kind and loving way.

[Dana]

I think the best determinant of a true friendship is how much honesty and straightforwardness is present.

True friends tell you like it is, whether its the "right" thing to say or not. Your feelings might get hurt hearing it, but sometimes you do need to be "snapped out of it".

[ruthieshome]

you know Darla.. this is a great question... makes me think of wondering how the children of today will handle these kinds of situations when they grow up. Did you know that most kids break up with boyfriends-girlfriends via email or text? We are loosing our children and not teaching them how to communicate in many different situation.
I think it's a good idea to show you care and get involved but not so much that we spend too much of our own emotional energy on situations we really can't do anything about. Some say it would be easy to offend or loose friends but its all in the delivery :) out of love and friendship.

[Theresa]

Where do I draw the line? It definitely depends on the relationship I have with the person and the situation. If someone is going to get hurt, I'll open my mouth. If it's someone I care about, I'll definitely speak up. And if the tables were turned, I would want to be told the truth instead of being left in the dark.

[lauramt]

I think there is a time and a place for saying something. If there was a friend who I knew was making a huge mistake, sure I'd say something. But you also have to let people make their own mistakes. Sometimes biting your tongue is the best for the situation. You'll be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. I think that is what makes a true friend, being there when it all goes to hell.

Just like with children, I don't alway tell them everything. I say what they need to know, and they find out about life by living the rest.

I have a girlfriend who came into about $6k. She wanted to take a vacation to Vegas for her anniversary. She also had a grandmother who was ill. I told her maybe she should save the money and the time off from work in case she wanted to go and see her grandmother. She decided on the trip to Vegas. I made my voice heard, but I let her make the decision. Well the trip to Vegas wasn't everything she hoped it would be and about 6 weeks later, her grandmother was give less than a month to live due to cancer. My GF had a hard time getting more time off work and she didn't have the money for an airline ticket. I was there to pick up the pieces, I gave her the money for her ticket. She arrived 6 hours after her grandmother passed away.

I think you have to pick and choose what you say and when you say it.

If my GF was cheating on her husband or if I found out her husband was cheating on her, I'd say something. If she wore an outfit that looked bad, I don't know, she picked it, she has to live with it. Maybe I'm a bad friend, but I think people need to take responsibility for their own lives.

[Caroline Stanley]

I agree with Dana and Laura, you are the sweetest friend!!

I've lost friends because I've told them what I thought. It's even happened here on this forum. Daddy always said the truth hurts. I know that, firsthand! LOL

If it's important, (such as, "your daughter's been with over half the football team and everyone has syph now") I give my opinion, whether it's asked for or not. If it's UNimportant (such as, "your butt looks big in those jeans") and I wasn't asked for my opinion, I keep it to myself.

[Jia]

Honestly, I touch and go when it comes to this. It all depends on what's happening and if my buttons are pushed. For instance one of my best friends (who I have known longer than my husband) is my polar opposite when it comes to religion, politics and family. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels and we both know that no matter how much we push, we're not going to change the others minds.

I also know that despite how genuine and kind my words might sound, anything truthful said about anything negative to either my MIL or SIL will cause waves of tears and tension that I don't want to bother with.

When it comes to my family I speak my mind. I once told my 61 year old aunt that she was stupid and I was glad she got hurt when she injured her back trying to paint her whole house by herself when I lived within walking distance and had refused my offer for help.

I've gotten into religious arguments with a very pushy aunt who thinks she knows more about my faith than I do, and I've been literally hit with snowballs by liberal democratic cousins who found out that I voted for Bush.

I've also done everything in my willpower to stop 3 friends from having abortions, losing one friend in the process. Thankfully one opted for adoption in the end and the other that remains my friend, who did abort still regrets it and says that she should have listened to me the whole time.

I'll usually try my opinion with everyone at least once to test the waters. I'll stand up for my beliefs no matter what, but at heart I'm a peace keeper. I don't like confrontation and I don't like to hurt people's feelings usually so I try to avoid it. I'm also very easily intimidated. I use humor as a way to try and get my point across because if I said things exactly how I feel, I would make some serious WAVES in every aspect of my life.

[fletchmom2]

Well this subject is very touchy with me as I've had some major problems due to my mouth.

I had a friend once who claimed she wanted the truth from me and I gave her the truth for weeks. She didn't listen to it and rather listen to people that lied to her and tried to ruin her life so she turned around and claimed I was lying to her and attempted to ruin my life. While in the meantime, even though I told her many times to stop doing what she was doing or she would lose her kids, ultimately after our friendship broke up- she lost her kids, all 3 of them.

My FIL is another one I have to watch when and how I open my mouth. Its gotten so bad between us that we have not spoken for months at a time and I've removed my children from his presence.

This is probably why I don't have that many friends. I don't need the drama and the grief of fake people so I just don't really bother trying to figure out if they are being genuine or fake. I have maybe 2 really good friends and one of them lives 2000 miles away (you know who you are girl!!).

So when it comes down to whether I should open my mouth or not it depends on the situation. If it affects my kids in ANY way I'm sure to open my mouth almost immediately. If it has to do with my husband, I'm learning to keep my mouth shut unless he asks for my opinion. As for other people, it depends on the situation. True friendship to me is measured in how honest you can be with them regardless of how they take it. I can handle the truth when its told to me its just a matter of whether I take heed to the advice that is being given to me. And as far as me giving advice, people don't generally listen to me anyway (although most times I'm right). I'm looked at as being too young to know anything about life (even though I was married and divorced by time I was 19, remarried and now have 2 kids at the age of 26). IDK, I should probably work on not opening my mouth as much, but I do. Oh well, if you can't handle the heat get out of the kitchen! :-)