You can come out of the closet!

[Darla Shine]

A friend recently told me how worried she was about her 14 year old daughter because she is acting out so much. She is slamming doors, screaming, and saying horrible things to her parents like I hate you! When I told her, 'welcome to the club' she said, 'OMG thank you for being so honest and telling me this.' Another girlfriend confided in me that her daughter is in therapy. She is 15, grouchy, nasty, and always blaming her mother for her problems. She told me she felt so upset that her daughter is going through this. I told her I could name a handfull of women I knew who had teens going to therapy. One mom told me the psychiatrist told her we have an 'epidemic of obedience disorder.' WHAT? My interpretation for that is a generation of spoiled brats. I have two of them.

But in my mind I think it is normal for teens and tweens to go through this psycho stage. Am I wrong? If they can't express themselves at home with their mom who can they open up to? Yes, I think they go to far insulting parents and talking back, but why are all these kids in therapy?

Is our over-indulgent generation over-indulging their children by bringing them to a therapist when they really just need a 'woopin.'
Aren't we giving these teens too much power by asking them what their feelings are all the time? I have the shut up and do it mentality. And yes, they talk back sometimes and slam doors but I win.

Or maybe I am not winning. I might be totally wrong. Maybe these out of control teens do have psychological issues. Do we know the side effects of so much video game playing. Do we know how constant multi-web stimulation affects the young mind? How about what these teens today see on tv, and experience in school. Surely they are under a lot more pressure than I was at that age.

I feel bad for any mom who comes here and thinks it's always happy land when being a mom can be so hard. So many days we want to lock ourselves in our rooms. I just want you all to know every mom is going through this, some more than others but we all have our moments or our days.

And it's okay to come out of the closet if everything isn't perfect in your house becaue it's not perfect in my house either.

[Brittanie]

Pretending everything is perfect leads to a LONELY life!

[keltie]

You have no idea how much I needed to see this post today. Thank you! I am having such problems with my (almost) 15 year old. I just don't know what to do with her. She's on Independent Study this year (her choice, not mine) and is just so nasty, mean, and hard to be around. I hope this conversation continues to evolve since I really could use some support.

[Jia]

WHAT? My interpretation for that is a generation of spoiled brats.

Amen Darla! Seriously! And I'll be the first to admit my generation was a part of this mess and now we're contributing to it!

[tobyswife_89]

Thank you for this post Darla! As you can tell from my posts about Marah we argue quite a bit. It has been this way it seems like forever. My boys have been so much easier to raise.

My dad and I were talking about this the other day and he said my one step-brother's wife said she would rather have 6 boys than 2 girls( they actually have 2 boys and 1 girl) because boys are so much easier.

We did believe in spanking but it didn't help.

[mommy of twins]

I'm so afraid of my children being teens....likely because I was a very smart-mouthed teen myself! It would be so helpful if we could open our hearts to hear what other's have to say about our children without getting defensive.
When I was growing up, if a parent saw me doing something I wasn't supposed to, they would snatch my hiney up and take me home. My parents did the same for other's. I think most people would be afraid of offending someone by doing that these days.

[fireman'swifey]

In my house we are grounded by our faith and have expectations to live our life to serve the Lord. Mind you last night my oldest son called my youngest son a "fagot". :no: ... but for the most part I feel like having a family that worships together, eats dinner together and has genuine family time together are less likely to adopt the Brattitude permanently...or at least I hope... *crossing every finger...

[Darla Shine]

So this is my point. Is this 'just teenage-ness' or a bigger problem. I know so many moms going through this. And how much nasty back talk is acceptable?

It is easy to think before you are in the situation that you would never tolerate it but then it's happening in your house and what are your choices? Punishment? Understanding? Hitting? Talking?

This is a hard stage.

[fireman'swifey]

Well I haven't spanked my kids in a long time..They're nearly my size! I use grounding and withholding their dear cell phones or computer time. If it is a tween or teen girl going thru this, take away their hair straightener and make up! I expect a certain amount of back talk but there needs to be a line where disrespect will not be tolerated.

[Valerie]

ZERO disrespect or backtalk is allowed at my house now. Granted my kids are 4 and 3, but I really don't think you can allow your babies to act however they want just because they're little and then try to get a handle on them when they're tweens.

[Darla Shine]

Valerie, you have no idea what is ahead. Really, if anyone would have told me my sweet little boy would ever scream 'DIE, I HATE YOU' I would have laughed in their face. I never ever had to spank my young children nor did I even have to punishment. Connor was the perfect child. And really he still is except for these outbursts. And I always said I would have zero tolerance for any backtalk but then it happens, and you punish, it happens and you spank, it happens again and you question life and everything else.

I had one author on my radio show who said the hormomes go wild and the kids go crazy. I have to find that book.

[SarahCBJ]

If our kids get too much of a sense of entitlement, they will have problems for life.

I feel sorry for the teens that truly do have problems, but so many parents run to therapists because of their inability to parent, and they need a "syndrome" to make them feel better about failing.

I know I will eventually have problems with my boys, and I am starting to see these issues with my oldest, but I will not have yelling or blatant disrespect in my home. When that happens, I will start taking away, and even throwing away every video game, movie, gameboy, etc, until my kids understand the differences between rights and privledges.

[Dana]

We put so much pressure on our kids to perform - not just in academics, or sports, but behavior as well. They don't have the freedom to just "be" without us nagging on them to straighten up, comb their hair, stop acting like a goob in public, etc.

Growing up - we were absolutely allowed to yell and let out our frustrations. So long as we didn't become disrespectful, we were encouraged to vent our frustrations - just because we are kids doesn't mean we don't get angry. And, after we got through yelling, we would sit down and come to a resolution with our parents. When we first had kids we didn't want to argue in front of the kids until we realized, they need to learn to stand up for themselves and know how to argue their points instead of meekly walking away.

As parents, we don't always have the necessary "tools" in our box to handle whatever our children are going through, and if necessary, it is important to get them an avenue where they can let things out.

And, I have a problem with "tweens" having cell phones - are you kidding? They don't need to be wrapped up in texting, and yacking all the time. Kaitlyn was just asking for a cell phone and I told her not until she gets her drivers license. I'm home with the kids for a reason - to be there when they need me. Use a dang pay phone, or the phone in the school office. Don't get me started on the makeup thing, either - why do children need to wear it? And, who exactly are they wearing it for?

[Norah]

I have to agree that this generation now does feel a sense of entitlement. My oldest is almost 8 now and we're just starting to see an attitude. It's like a switch went off and suddenly he is stomping off into the other room or slamming his door.

I took a page out of my parents handbook and took his door off! If he couldn't obey us and not slam his door, as he'd been told to repeatedly, then, well, no door!!! Hahahaha!!!! That problem was resolved quickly!

When I was a kid, even a teenager, if we mouthed off we got a whoopin' with the belt and our mouths washed out with soap. Now it seems like it's just expected that this is how kids are. Forget that!!! Kids need to respect authority! What has changed so much in our society that now it's all about walking on eggshells around our kids and not rearing them? Seriously! Consumer driven maybe?

[Brittanie]

I think its mostly the age, but obviously their environment affects that also!
I can't imagine being a teen these days.. between being expected to go to college, knowing ( in most cases) we have no way of affording it. Trying to be in the popular crowd whose parents probably spoil them with spendy jeans, ipods, iphones, cars when I really think that soo many families are doing this even though they are struggling financially wich causes stress on everyone.. But it's not like there are outlets for kids to talk about their struggles since that isnt really something IMO that is ok to do.. Teenagers dont have the choice of controlling anything but the way they act.. So they do and its not always good!

[keltie]

Valerie, you have no idea what is ahead. Really, if anyone would have told me my sweet little boy would ever scream 'DIE, I HATE YOU' I would have laughed in their face. I never ever had to spank my young children nor did I even have to punishment. Connor was the perfect child. And really he still is except for these outbursts. And I always said I would have zero tolerance for any backtalk but then it happens, and you punish, it happens and you spank, it happens again and you question life and everything else.

I had one author on my radio show who said the hormomes go wild and the kids go crazy. I have to find that book.

Amen, Darla. I never would have expected my daughter to act to me like she's acting now. Mind you, I will admit she was a strong-willed one, but I did "everything right" according to the parenting books, and never tolerated acting out w/o punishment, but it happens nonetheless.

I am in the unique position of having a 5 year old AND a 15 year old. Both girls- oye! My little one is a totally different temperament as my oldest. I see now that my oldest was especially "spirited" now that I have an easygoing other child!

But I say this to everyone: I used to blame parents for bratty, rebellious teenagers, and think they haven't done their job. But I am here to personally tell you that even if your child was raised with strict rules, religion, whatever....they can still act like bratty teenagers. Don't think "oh, my child would never..."

I am depressed every day about my daughter's behavior (it's mostly just how she treats me) and it has really taken a toll on my self esteem. I guess as a mom, I always blame myself. I pray every day that it's just a phase.

[keltie]

I took a page out of my parents handbook and took his door off! If he couldn't obey us and not slam his door, as he'd been told to repeatedly, then, well, no door!!! Hahahaha!!!! That problem was resolved quickly!



Been there, done that. Wish it had worked for me, but it didn't!

[Dana]

Know what I miss with my oldest? The affection :-( I can get kisses and hugs all day from Amanda, but Kaitlyn... no way. She's too cool now, I guess. Hurts my heart, though.

[shoppingmamma]

And, I have a problem with "tweens" having cell phones - are you kidding? They don't need to be wrapped up in texting, and yacking all the time. Kaitlyn was just asking for a cell phone and I told her not until she gets her drivers license. I'm home with the kids for a reason - to be there when they need me. Use a dang pay phone, or the phone in the school office.

I always hear this and I think it depends on where you live - my son who is in 6th grade does have a phone. He is not allowed to be texting all the time and such - although friends will call or text him about getting together but the main reason he has it is he has to stay after school alot for sports or to work on projects - he's in some advanced classes where they have long term projects and group projects they have to do. He doesn't alway have a set time for when he will be done so has to CALL me to pick him up. There are NO payphones in the school. No where around here have I seen them - after I conversation about this once before I looked. And the school office is open until about 3:30 - school is out at 3 - and then it is closed. I check his phone and one time there was a number that I didn't know - I asked who he called and he said a friend that he was working with used it to call his mom for a ride since the office was closed. When I asked the school about this and said what if kids don't have phones - they said we can set up a time to be there and just wait in the parking lot until the kids get done or they can wait there - a few times I have taken kids home that their parents were going to pick them up at X time and the practice or whatever got out 1/2 hour early. It's COLD here and I am not having my son sit outside for a 1/2 hour waiting for a ride - in below 0 weather - just because the coach cut practice short or they got done early.

[shoppingmamma]

I agree that therapy is overused! Everyone is looking for a quick fix or answer. Some of it is just the age and hormones - I think we ALL went through it. David is 12, 6th grade, middle school and there has been a behavior change this year. At our house there is a level of respect that needs to be maintained and rules that are in place. If you break the rules and act inappropriately there are consequences to your actions - things get taken away, you get grounded and can't attend events or such and privledges are lost.

David has had a few moments and he was punished. That was the end of it ..... for awhile atleast ;)

He's been pretty easy overall though ..... things have already started with Sara who is in 3rd grade and 9. When I was a kid that was how it was - you get in trouble - loosing privledges, things or such. We didn't do "therapy" - you just got your butt whipped into shape!!! ;)

Most of the time here we talk after - I'll say what was that about and alot of the times they say they don't know or nothing or they were just mad because so and so gets to do this or that. They aren't in need of therapy - just an attitude adjustment!

[lyndap]

I have one especially high spirited drama "king". I get the "I hate you!", "You're the meanest Mom ever!". How I deal depends on the day. What I find is working right now is toning back my reaction. Here's how it goes...

Him..."You're the meanest Mom ever!"

Me..."I know."

Him..."You don't treat me with disrespect!"

Me..."You mean respect. I don't treat you with respect. Got it."

Him..."Mom...will you take me to the store so I can buy an action figure?"

Me..."Hmmm, since I'm the meanest mom ever...umm...no."

Him..."Why not?"

Me..."I'm the meanest mom ever, remember? You hate me, remember? So I'm just living up to my role."

Him..."I'm sorry." Blah, blah, blah...

Some days it works better than others. Kids are a puzzle that's for sure.

[jreidmomof2]

I am the mother of an 11 year old "tween" and some days I am clueless too. All of a sudden this year she is different. I blame hormones too.

Also I am starting to see her and her dad butt heads. Anyone else get this? I think he sees her still has the 5 year old daddy's girl, that thought he was the bees knees and wanted to do anything and everything with him. She was a daddy's girl. Now she is getting into all the teen stuff and he is lost.

They butt heads when he suggest going fourwheeling and she doesn't want to, she wants to go to friends house or do other girly things.

I suggested to him maybe taking her to the mall or trying to do something on her level. He looked at me clueless. lol I am even thinking taking her out to eat or to a movie just the two of them. But I could be wrong on that too???

[Caliwife]

Yes, I had read all the parenting books and tried my best to have the perfect daughter. But ya know what? Even with all the family meals we had, praying as a family and not spoiling her beyond reason because she was an only child, when she reached her teens she did change. I got the "I hate you" or "you are the meanest mom" but it will all blow over. It takes years, she's 24 now and I thank God I was a young mom because I was in my mid- 30's when she was a teen and God gave me patience!! They do grow out of it....they will grow up into productive young people. I think it's also a lot of hormones and them spreading their wings. I remember being a punk to my parents, although I got hit up side the head a few times....and mom said "just you wait until you have kids."

[Darla Shine]

One thought is that we, the moms, are really the only ones these kids can react to. Look at it this way, my son is a straight A student and under a lot of mental pressure he puts on himself regarding school. His teachers all love him and he isn't smoking or doing anything bad. So when he flips he is mean to me, maybe because who else does he have to be mean to? Maybe if hormones are raging (and once a month my hormones make me really irritable) what do we expect them to do?

I think years ago, the kids were out more. Now with our society we keep them home under our wing more. So maybe they are not having the outlet they need. I don't know, maybe I am just trying to justify. Maybe this generation is wacked out from seeing so much tv or eating too many preservatives.

I just know this is going on in almost every house and no moms are talking about it or are too afraid to admit their kid is acting this way.

I think this is my next book.

As for hurting you Keltie? My girlfriend was crying to me on the phone after her teen daughter said to her, 'you are so ugly, why can't I have a pretty mom like my friends? I am embarrassed to be seen with you.' And when I questioned why Connor got an unusually low grade he asked me why I had wrinkles in between my eyebrows.

[ruthieshome]

Ok.. ladies...here is my opinion ...
this is all about respect
it all starts when they are younger... if you are consistent and discipline your children and raise them knowing they are not to disrespect themselves, their parents, their siblings and elders.... they wont do it when they are older.

My daughter is 13, she is a joy to be around, I read this to her and she said "really?? and pretended to "yell" at me and laughed.. Mom, thats weird.". .....Yelling or telling someone they are ugly is just not in our game book with our family.

could it be that this IS all LEARNED BEHAVIOR? .. where do they learn how to handle stress, settle disagreements, or deal with emotions when they dont get their way? Our society is fill with movies, tv shows, etc about kids who are disrespectful to their parents...Today its shown in the media that parents are idiots and that the kids are the ones in charge.

I just dont get it.

We dont have a lot of money, we live in a small home, dont go on expensive vacations, don't have our kids in every activity imaginable, we wear hand me downs, but we are together a LOT!.. My kids dont watch MTV or the Disney Channel, and when we see commercials on TV or watch a show where the mother is disrespectful to the husband or the kids to the parents, ... we talk about it.

When it comes down to it I feel its all about a lack of respect in relationships.

How do I act when I dont get MY way. (do I fly off the handle?)
How do I act when my kids know I wasn't treated fairly.?(do I curse the person and call him or her an idiot (even out of their presence?)..


Hate to say this... but our kids watch our every move.. Most kids are away from their parents 8 or sometimes 10 hours a day even if the mom IS "home with the kids". We have to be aware that our children will be molded and influenced most by who they are around most.

I try HARD to keep our life in perspective... we have so little compared to some.. but so much compared to the rest of the world. We are so blessed and happy to have each other even if we cant have all the "things" the world says we should have in order to be happy.

I know ... I am just weird... ... sorry if I offended any of you... but I feel so frustrated sometimes... I see little kids (like 5 and 6 TALKING BACK and screaming at their mother! ... and they try to do it to me.. I can't imagine living a life where my children ruled the roost and screamed at me.... It would be so stressful. I would be so tired. It makes me sad for moms out there because it doesnt have to be that way.

[BellaLuna]

Oh Lord I could write my own book on this one.

I just went through the equivelent of hell with my 17 year old daughter this year. Let's just say there comes a point when your child is no longer a child and is able to make decisions and do things with or without your consent. You hope and pray that you have instilled good values and good judgement, but in the end they are the ones that are ultimately making their choices.

We were the parents who limited computer time, ate dinner together every night, went to church, had firm rules with consequences, spent time with extended family regularly and have been married for 18 years and she still made the choice to be disobey and make poor decisions.

Long story short, she met a boy who basicallly challenged everything we said and encouraged her to break rules. Yes we "forbid" her to see him (what a joke) blocked his number from her phone (she used our landline or a friends phone) even called his parents (they really could have cared less.) He really messed with her head the point that, yes we did seek therapy as a family. We had to. Our household was a constant battle ground. There was no peace for me, my husband or my younger daughter.

Things are much better now. She saw on her own (with therapy) how poisinous the relationship was and has moved on. But it was the most sickening, painful thing her father and I have ever gone through. The things she said to us will resonate in my ears forever. We are good parents. We did do what we thought was our best,but the truth is you never know what life is going to hand you.

We just had to love her more than she hated us;)

[Darla Shine]

I want to hear everyone's experiences. I just want all moms to know they can be open about their household's without anyone thinking they are a bad parent.

I love that "we had to love her more than she hated us.'

[Dana]

Just to clarify - yelling/arguing is one thing. Flipping out screaming hateful words is entirely different.

I love that - love more than she hated you.

And, here's another thought - how many times do our kids try to talk to us - about anything - and we are busy or distracted? I know I've mentioned it here before, but growing up, my folks were super busy, and I had to find a way to talk to my mom and know she wasn't distracted. The bathroom. Seriously! I would follow her in the bathroom so I could talk to her, LOL!

My girls do so much better when I stop everything and look at them when they are talking - doesn't matter if it is about something mundane, or serious - give them my full attention.

[BellaLuna]

And believe me Darla it was hard!! The therapist had to keep reminding me that she is still indeed, just a child and her behavior and lashing out was just a result of the war she was raging in her head between what she knew to be right vs what she was being told to challenge. I can honestly it was probably the most difficult 6 months of my life!!!

[Darla Shine]

So how is she now? How is your relationship with her?

[mommy of twins]

Ok.. ladies...here is my opinion ...
this is all about respect
it all starts when they are younger... if you are consistent and discipline your children and raise them knowing they are not to disrespect themselves, their parents, their siblings and elders.... they wont do it when they are older.

My daughter is 13, she is a joy to be around, I read this to her and she said "really?? and pretended to "yell" at me and laughed.. Mom, thats weird.". .....Yelling or telling someone they are ugly is just not in our game book with our family.

could it be that this IS all LEARNED BEHAVIOR? .. where do they learn how to handle stress, settle disagreements, or deal with emotions when they dont get their way? Our society is fill with movies, tv shows, etc about kids who are disrespectful to their parents...Today its shown in the media that parents are idiots and that the kids are the ones in charge.

I just dont get it.

We dont have a lot of money, we live in a small home, dont go on expensive vacations, don't have our kids in every activity imaginable, we wear hand me downs, but we are together a LOT!.. My kids dont watch MTV or the Disney Channel, and when we see commercials on TV or watch a show where the mother is disrespectful to the husband or the kids to the parents, ... we talk about it.

When it comes down to it I feel its all about a lack of respect in relationships.

How do I act when I dont get MY way. (do I fly off the handle?)
How do I act when my kids know I wasn't treated fairly.?(do I curse the person and call him or her an idiot (even out of their presence?)..


Hate to say this... but our kids watch our every move.. Most kids are away from their parents 8 or sometimes 10 hours a day even if the mom IS "home with the kids". We have to be aware that our children will be molded and influenced most by who they are around most.

I try HARD to keep our life in perspective... we have so little compared to some.. but so much compared to the rest of the world. We are so blessed and happy to have each other even if we cant have all the "things" the world says we should have in order to be happy.

I know ... I am just weird... ... sorry if I offended any of you... but I feel so frustrated sometimes... I see little kids (like 5 and 6 TALKING BACK and screaming at their mother! ... and they try to do it to me.. I can't imagine living a life where my children ruled the roost and screamed at me.... It would be so stressful. I would be so tired. It makes me sad for moms out there because it doesnt have to be that way.


A great friend of mine, who is a mother of 7, says to succeed in parenting you must be considered weird by others. Meaning, you can't conform to what society thinks you should do and haveor you are teaching that to your children.

Bella Luna- love the love her more line!

[BellaLuna]

I would have to say at this point we are cautiously optimistic!!

It really took her recognizing on her own what was happening. She went from an honor roll student to barely making D's and now she is having to do all the clean up and repair work to get back on track. Of all the times for this to happen, it had to be her junior year:( I mean she couldn't even get out of bed and when she did go to school she was calling me by 9:30 to come and get her. But she now understands the concept that you make the mess, you clean it up and nobody is worth wrecking your future or your family life over.

I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to send her an angel, and He did! She made a friend through the fire company where she volunteers and he has been such a tremendous (good) influence on her. She is laughing again, doing good in school, working her part time job and saving money. I did so much praying. I just kept reciting-"if He Brings you to it, He will bring you through it." Seriously, like 50 times a day and before I closed my eyes at night.

Part of my therapy was letting her go to make her own mistakes. I had to learn that she is almost an adult on her way to college and she needs to make mistakes and burn bridges in order to learn how to recover.

I am just glad to have her back:)

[BellaLuna]

I will share some of what we as parents learned through this-maybe it will save one of you some grief!

The biggest mistake we were making was engaging with her. We would tell her to do/not to do something, she would have a comback and we could counter her comeback and so and so forth. This is when things would escalate. We had to learn to state our case and then walk away from her. If she screamed, cried, cursed, whatever, we were not to respond at all. She would eventually give up the fight when she realized that there was no one to fight with. Sometimes she would literally go in her room and scream for a half hour. We would either put on headphones or go for a drive.

I had to learn to stop operating out of guilt. I felt so bad that when she was being semi good, I would indulge her out of my guilt. She knew exactly how to manipulate me. This was so hard for me becuase this whole thing felt like such a betrayal. I mean, we did everything together. Took yoga, went shopping, had inside jokes, etc. I wanted so badly to have her like me again. Not even love me. Just like me.

And finally, my husband and I had to form a united front. She had to know that wether she went to me or to him, the answer was going to be the same.

I hope sharing my experience will help someone who is maybe feeling like they are the only one. I know I sure did!!

[shoppingmamma]

Thanks for sharing all that BellaLuna - what a great story and great advice!! I think you had some excellent points and suggestions...... :)

[BellaLuna]

Thank you! This was very therapeutic for me!! lol!! I didn't mean to hold the thread hostage:)

I really never told anyone just how bad things got. Even my Mother. I was so embarrased and felt like such a bad parent.

Now I know better!

[ngabriel]

I have this problem with MY parents mostly!! because they don't have faith in our decision to homeschool our kids, i feel like i can NEVER tell them if my daughter is not having a perfect school day!! It constantly torments me, and drives me crazy!! they are ALWAYS trying to "test" her.. she can't do anything without it turning into an opportunity ti see WHAT she's learning in school! It's aweful!

[keltie]

I will share some of what we as parents learned through this-maybe it will save one of you some grief!

The biggest mistake we were making was engaging with her. We would tell her to do/not to do something, she would have a comback and we could counter her comeback and so and so forth. This is when things would escalate. We had to learn to state our case and then walk away from her. If she screamed, cried, cursed, whatever, we were not to respond at all. She would eventually give up the fight when she realized that there was no one to fight with. Sometimes she would literally go in her room and scream for a half hour. We would either put on headphones or go for a drive.

I had to learn to stop operating out of guilt. I felt so bad that when she was being semi good, I would indulge her out of my guilt. She knew exactly how to manipulate me. This was so hard for me becuase this whole thing felt like such a betrayal. I mean, we did everything together. Took yoga, went shopping, had inside jokes, etc. I wanted so badly to have her like me again. Not even love me. Just like me.



Very well said and great advice!

[BellaLuna]

Oh and Jennie the whole father/daughter thing is very tough!! I would say that it started with my girls around your daughters age too. They really thought the sun rose and set on him (especially the younger one) and suddenly he was the odd man out.

It was/is hurtful sometimes for him. I mean he is a guy, and we are all women and ultimately he is just never gonna get shoe shopping or the joys of a new lipstick!!! lol!!

Luckily, they found a common interest through volunteering at the fire company and hockey.

I do have to remind them every so often to "go talk to Dad." I think the mall "dates" or going to the movies is a great idea. When they were younger, I would often schedule things for me to do so that they were all left alone together for the day or at least for a couple of hours. Then they have no choice but to bond! lol!!

Good luck!!

[Seashell]

Hi, I am Shell and my 14yr old hates me.

Ok, I feel better now ; )

I am going through the same thing, since High School started. We are constantly fighting. She wants to date older boys, and I say No!
I say do your chores, she says No! everything is extra loud in my house latley.

Honestly, the other day she sassed me when I was standing in the kitchen, it got to the point that we both started screaming, I felt like I had fire coming out of my ears. She pushed me when I was not expecting it and I fell into the stove. I am sure she was not expecting me to fall but when I stood up she was ready to throw blows with me. needless to say I had to pin her down on the ground untill she said "Uncle"... ha ha, no but seriously as mad as I was, it was heart breaking, and I remember having that moment with my own Mother when I was a teenager. And as pissed as I was with her, I needed to realise my own fault. I need to pick my battles with her, because if not her and I will fight all the time and I will push her away. This stuff is going to happen. It sucks..........

Just this morning I had a emotional breakdown... It is hard for sure. But I need to do something, I need to find a way to find some ground with her, because I will be damn if my Daughter spends her next 4 years cussing me because she does not get her way. Let me know if any of you figure something out.

[keltie]

Hi, I am Shell and my 14yr old hates me.

Ok, I feel better now ; )

I am going through the same thing, since High School started. We are constantly fighting. She wants to date older boys, and I say No!
I say do your chores, she says No! everything is extra loud in my house latley.

Honestly, the other day she sassed me when I was standing in the kitchen, it got to the point that we both started screaming, I felt like I had fire coming out of my ears. She pushed me when I was not expecting it and I fell into the stove. I am sure she was not expecting me to fall but when I stood up she was ready to throw blows with me. needless to say I had to pin her down on the ground untill she said "Uncle"... ha ha, no but seriously as mad as I was, it was heart breaking, and I remember having that moment with my own Mother when I was a teenager. And as pissed as I was with her, I needed to realise my own fault. I need to pick my battles with her, because if not her and I will fight all the time and I will push her away. This stuff is going to happen. It sucks..........

Just this morning I had a emotional breakdown... It is hard for sure. But I need to do something, I need to find a way to find some ground with her, because I will be damn if my Daughter spends her next 4 years cussing me because she does not get her way. Let me know if any of you figure something out.

Aww honey, I SO feel your pain. Your story could've been written by me. It's so good to have this forum where we can support each other and know we're not alone with our pain.

[keltie]

Thank you! This was very therapeutic for me!! lol!! I didn't mean to hold the thread hostage:)

I really never told anyone just how bad things got. Even my Mother. I was so embarrased and felt like such a bad parent.

Now I know better!

Me too. It IS embarrassing. My daughter usually only acts out with me, and is quite sweet to (most) others. Feeling like it's my fault and I'm a bad parent is what I struggle with. My own parents are very close (physically and emotionally) to us. The way she acts to me breaks their hearts too. I have to stop complaining to my own mom and dad so it doesn't affect their relationship. They shouldn't have to fight my battles. She is for the most part, VERY sweet to them.

[LoveBuns]

I have this problem with MY parents mostly!! because they don't have faith in our decision to homeschool our kids, i feel like i can NEVER tell them if my daughter is not having a perfect school day!! It constantly torments me, and drives me crazy!! they are ALWAYS trying to "test" her.. she can't do anything without it turning into an opportunity ti see WHAT she's learning in school! It's aweful!

I know what you mean. My parents are very supportive and see that homeschooling is a wonderful thing. They are amazed at what the kids are learning and are so happy for us. On the other hand, not all family members see things the same way. It bugs me like crazy too but like my hubby will say to me, why do we care what they think. It is our life and our kids!

[cejgeorgia]

My children are 5 and 7 and my 5 year old has quite a little mouth on him! I just tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not to talk to me this way and I will take away his toys or playroom for awhile. If it's really bad, yelling at me or pinching me I very calmly give him 5 swats(this does not hurt his butt just his feelings mostly) and he has gotten the point. In fact his pre-K teacher told me that he is the most well behaved boy in class (there are 20 ) and he is very loving. Kids try stuff all the time and we should stop judging each other, that's worse than the bad behavior if you ask me. You don't train your child in a day it takes a lifetime.

[Theresa]

Darla, I'm so glad that you started this thread. My girls are 13, 14 and 16. It's not easy. One of our biggest challenges right now is how moody everyone is. I never know what to expect. The ups and downs are exhausting. Thank God I have a lot of patience. The only time I get upset is when they are mean. I can't tolerate them being mean. I can understand that girls are going to be hormonal, but I'm not putting up with anyone being nasty.

[BellaLuna]

Hi, I am Shell and my 14yr old hates me.

Ok, I feel better now ; )

I am going through the same thing, since High School started. We are constantly fighting. She wants to date older boys, and I say No!
I say do your chores, she says No! everything is extra loud in my house latley.

Honestly, the other day she sassed me when I was standing in the kitchen, it got to the point that we both started screaming, I felt like I had fire coming out of my ears. She pushed me when I was not expecting it and I fell into the stove. I am sure she was not expecting me to fall but when I stood up she was ready to throw blows with me. needless to say I had to pin her down on the ground untill she said "Uncle"... ha ha, no but seriously as mad as I was, it was heart breaking, and I remember having that moment with my own Mother when I was a teenager. And as pissed as I was with her, I needed to realise my own fault. I need to pick my battles with her, because if not her and I will fight all the time and I will push her away. This stuff is going to happen. It sucks..........

Just this morning I had a emotional breakdown... It is hard for sure. But I need to do something, I need to find a way to find some ground with her, because I will be damn if my Daughter spends her next 4 years cussing me because she does not get her way. Let me know if any of you figure something out.

Yes I am sad to say that I have been here:cry:
It was at this point that I had had it. I could no longer control myself and that was bad. So we went to the therapist and she made it clear that it just should never even get to this point (much easier said than done!!) This is where you are supposed to state your point and walk away. Don't get sucked in which is exactly what she wants. If she knows you are miserable then in her little mind she is in control and has won. If she keeps on you, walk away. If she continues, lock yourself in the bathroom and turn on the shower. She will wear herself out or get bored because you aren't playing along.

Good luck honey!! Feel free to PM me for support-anyone, anytime!!

[jennypenny]

I want to say thank you all for being honest. Why don't we make a HHW Pact? We WILL NOT hide from each other. No one here is going to judge you, if your are doing your best. We should not feel like we are fighting these battles alone.
We are friends. No reason to put up a false front.
PS-My own child trama story is on the main page. LOL!

[keltie]

I'm in on the pact!

[BellaLuna]

Sign me up!! This stuff is hard enough to get through let alone feeling like you are the only family in America!!

No one should judge anyway. We all have our crosses to bear. I have to admit though when the girls were younger I did have the audacity to assume that it would always be smooth sailing because we were doing everything "right." What is right? lol!! I am very humbled now;)

Thanks girls:001_wub: