How do you disown your own child?

[Darla Shine]

How do you turn off of your children? When does a parent say, 'they are on their own?' Now I am not judging any parent because I can only imagine the pain it takes to turn your back on your child, but I have to ask who then becomes responsible? Is it me? Is it society? I recently lost a cousin. He died homeless and abandoned. I think I heard he was living under a bridge. How could I have so much and he have nothing? This haunts me. How do you end up under a bridge? I have always had nightmares as a child about being on soup lines. I have always believed I lived through the Great Depression in a past life. As a Christian I do believe many of us have lived before. How else can you explain these dreams? And maybe it is these dreams that have always driven me to be successful. And that doesn't mean author, tv producer, or radio host... I have worked in fast food, auto shops, restaurants, retail, and I have even cleaned houses. I have been earning money since I was 12 years old. I went to college and then graduate school but then I lived at home until I got married at 28 years old. I could have gotten an apartment but I spent all my money on designer clothes. Actually, I didn't start to make the big six figure salary until after I was married. And then a few years later I had a baby and gave the paycheck up. So with all my talk about being independent and making money, I have never had to support myself. I went from my parents to my husband. And to this day on my own I have never saved a dime. Where would I be if I didn't have the support of my parents when I was younger? Where would I be if I didn't have such an amazing husband? Did the supportive parents lead to the supportive husband? Does giving your child a good start lift them to a great life?

Last night we took our son to watch a basketball game at Dartmouth. He loved it. Now he has his sights set on going to Dartmouth. It's an Ivy League school and if he can get in there his path is set. But what if I don't push him. What if I don't save for college? What if I couldn't afford to send him to college? What if he pisses me off one day and I kick him out? The next five years in my home will alter the life of this young man. Could he do anything to cause me to turn my back on him? If he ended up living under a bridge in twenty years would it not be completely the failure of my husband and I as parents?

I know this economy is a nightmare. A lot of parents cannot put money aside for college. But there is financial aid, and there are student loans. And if college isn't the thing for your child, the top ten non export jobs are electricians, plumbers, mechanics, carpenters, and you can make sure your child has a vocation. But their future is your responsibility now. It is up to us to make sure our own children have a good life but to make sure all of our children have good lives.

We need to create a loving and supportive environment at home so our children have the tools they need and the self esteem to go out and live their dreams. We need to demand jobs for our children. We need to make sure they have a future. It is your job. If your child fails, you are a failure. It is as fact. You cannot say that you did everything you could. If your child is living homeless under a bridge you did not do everything that you could.

So I ask you what does it take to disown or kick your child out of your home?

[Valerie]

As a Christian I do believe many of us have lived before.

HUH?

[Darla Shine]

I should have embellished on that. I meant to say, even though I am a Christian, I do believe many people have either lived before or have their ancestors memories through their genes.

I have gotten a lot of emails already about this sentence. I don't understand why people aren't willing to consider possibilities.

I believe if we are to believe in the holy spirit within us who are we to say that spirit doesn't live on? Who are we to say what Heaven is. All I know is I have unexplained memories and dreams. But I don't want to hijack this thread. This is for another discussion.

[MumofMany]

I can't ever imagine a scenario where I would completely disown any of my children... I would feel I had failed (and so had they) if they broke the law, became drug addicts, or worse - hurt or even killed someone else on purpose... But even then I can't imagine I would ever be able to close my heart to them completely.

My Mum always told us kids that if we ever murdered or hurt someone we were on our own. But then I think my Mum is much harder than I could ever be when it comes to emotions...

[lauramt]

I'm torn on the idea of being a failure as a parent is measure by the direct success of our children. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can give a child everything they need and if they "choose" to not be successful does that mean we have failed? You can give a child everything they need to have a great future but if they don't use it and end up under that "bridge" does that mean we didn't do "everything???" I'm not sure I buy that.

I think it's important to instill values in our children and when we do, we have a better chance of them turning out to be productive adults in our society, but you can't make them make the right choices..... and what about the children, like me, who didn't grow up with a good role model, who had nothing except bad examples all around, but still choose to get my act together, go to college, and have a career. I didn't have examples of "good marriages" either, but I have still some how managed to create a wonderful marriage.....

[jreidmomof2]

I'm torn on the idea of being a failure as a parent is measure by the direct success of our children. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can give a child everything they need and if they "choose" to not be successful does that mean we have failed? You can give a child everything they need to have a great future but if they don't use it and end up under that "bridge" does that mean we didn't do "everything???" I'm not sure I buy that.

I think it's important to instill values in our children and when we do, we have a better chance of them turning out to be productive adults in our society, but you can't make them make the right choices..... and what about the children, like me, who didn't grow up with a good role model, who had nothing except bad examples all around, but still choose to get my act together, go to college, and have a career. I didn't have examples of "good marriages" either, but I have still some how managed to create a wonderful marriage.....

I agree Laura. Very well written. I was one of those children too that didn't have a good foundation, and was one of the lucky ones that grandparents stepped in and raised me. I could have turned out way worse but made the right choices in the end.

[jreidmomof2]

And to answer the question No, I couldn't turn my back on my child. I am the parent I am today because of the child that I was.

[shoppingmamma]

So I ask you what does it take to disown or kick your child out of your home?

NOTHING - I could never imagine a situation where I would turn my back on my child. EVER.

[Darla Shine]

Laura, you weren't thrown out onto the streets were you? I am wondering if you are a teen out on the streets, how do you survive? How can you recover from that?

[Jia]

Honestly I don't know. I don't have kids so I don't know where y'all are coming from. I've disowned a parent before. The same parent was also disowned by his mother and I'm on her side.

My Dad has been abusive his whole life (while never once being abused, not even emotionally). He was always just mean tempered, getting into trouble, always into drugs. My Grandmother always helped him, always took his side (even once took his side in a fight with me), until he and my step-mom moved in with her. He beat my step-mom in front of my Grandmother and little brothers, threatened my Grandmothers life, and then stole her checkbooks and began writing fraudulent checks.

So I think there is a limit, yes.

[trishalamarche]

I believe there is a limit to what you can do for your kids. They need to want stuff for themselves. I, too, didn't have parents growing up. I lived with my aunt and she was the meanest. She didn't give to me, I got for myself. That being said, I won't turn my back on my kids, unless I believe it was for their own good. Sometimes in life you have to go without before you know how good you have things.

[tobyswife_89]

I hesitated responding to this because it happened to my husband very early in our marriage. My husband's father "divorced" him when he divorced Toby's mother because he felt Toby sided with his mother in the divorce. This happened in 1992 and we did not have any contact with him until 1996 when my husband exteded an olive branch to him. We had a relationship with his dad until Aug. 2001 when we cut contact with him because he started saying he wanted my husband to confront his mother and her mother about things my FIL thought he was wronged on. He blamed his in-laws for him and Marsha getting divorced not the fact that he was emotionally abusive to Marsha. We felt the need to try to make amends with him around Christmas 2006. We have maintained a relationship with him ever since but it does get hard at times because he feels that everyone is out to "screw" him.
That being said; I think my child would have to do something really, really bad to ever disown them.

[Caliwife]

I only have one child who is now 24 and married and I know that I could never ever disown her. She would have to do something really awful because she knows that there is always a room for her in my home, if she ever needs it.

[lunajuly]

I do not think you should enable bad behavoir (why cant i spell that word..it is easy) but i think turning your back should only be reserved for when they are abusive...and you can let them know they are welcome back when they do not abuse you

Jia, i also had to disown a parent...one temporarily and one permanently

[Jia]

Jia, i also had to disown a parent...one temporarily and one permanently

This is actually the third time I've done it. The first was when I was 16 and he called me a money grubbing whore just like my mother (who had at the time been dead for 14 years and supposedly remains the love of his life).

The 2nd time was when I lived with him for a month when I moved to Utah when I was 18 and saw he and his wife doing drugs in front of my little brothers. We left on VERY harsh words, but then a year later my husband insisted that I invite him to the wedding and then we were good for several years.

But after doing what he did to my Grandmother (who is one of the best people I know) there's just no excuse.