Can women be friends?

[Darla Shine]

Can women be true friends? With all the discussion in the HHC forums over the past five years, more than marriage, more than children, the subject of 'girlfriends' comes up over and over. Making friends is hard for housewives and keeping them is even harder. Why? Why are women so hard on each other? Just look at the Housewives television series on Bravo. These women are crazy. Friends one minute, stabbing each other in the back the next. The New York series just started. The promo for the show each woman said the same thing, 'Is she my friend? Does she have my back?' I thought it was pathetic that each of these women well into their thirties and forties were so insecure. They all have the best of everything. All these housewives on these shows sporting their fancy watches and living in big houses, are desperate to feel truly loved by a female friend. It's the kind of thing you yearn for even if you have the best marriage. Someone you can chit chat with during the day on the phone. Someone you can stroll the mall with. Someone you can call at three AM when you need to take your children to the hospital. How many 3am girls do you have? That is how I judge a real friendship. Who can you call in the middle of the night? Who can you drop your kids off in a pinch? Who can you trust? Who has your back? There is a book that one of my friends is reading, 'Tripping the Prom Queen.' In it women tell their girlfriend horror stories. One women was so traumatized by the 'bleached blonde skinny girl' in high school that she is still isn't over it even though she is married and her life is considered successful. Another woman admits that deep down she has hated her best friend of 20 years. The author suggests that true friendship just cannot exist among women. I think that is crap! You know, I have often heard women say, 'they like men more than women.' That they 'have more guy friends than female.' And yes, is true, women are crazy. But, what type of woman are you? In life you get what you give out. If you are nice, friendly, fun, and trustworthy, that is the type of woman you will attract. The Bravo Housewives of NY, claim they just want good girlfriends yet each of them bad mouths the other behind their back. Jill, the redhead, was invited for a boating day and all she did was bad mouth the hostess Ramona. This is in poor taste. This girl Jill, is a mean lady. And that is key. There are positive people and negative people. If you make a choice to stay away from negative women, and you refuse to get in the dirt with them, you will stay above the drama. Are there mean girls? Yes. Are there great gals? Absolutely. I have been lucky enough to have a bunch of great girlfriends who I know I can depend on no matter what. We are happy for each other and we love each other's children. I am blessed for this. I started the HHC forums so housewives can talk to other housewives. And the ladies on HHC are amazing. But even here we have come across our bit of drama. And in my life I have had to cut off a couple of negative ladies. So my question to you all is, why do you think women turn on each other? Why is Jill from NY Housewives so nasty? Why do women talk about each other? Why are women so insecure? And how do you think we could change this?

[MumofMany]

I think women can be friends. It's taken me a lot of years to come to this conclusion though, after many years of having bad friendships that turned sour... It seemed to me that all most women did was gossip and stab each other in the back. And because I'm not the type to do that it always seemed to be me they picked on.

That said, I moved to a nicer area and met some local mums and I now consider I have some very good friends. They don't gossip or back stab, they're there whenever you need them just as I am for them and we have fun together. I think I've changed too though, I don't take the kind of crap I used too, I'm more open about everything as well and not so shy and I've learnt to say no!

[lagunagirl]

Hi Darla, Long time since I have been on the forums, but I am back! I loved reading your post. This is so true for me b.c I came to OC from LI ten years ago. I find these shows disgraceful. Don't these women know that what they say is going to AIR?? Not to mention, it's all so false. Many of those women are losing their homes and heading for divorce, also, it looks like their kids are suffering as a result. Living away from my mom and dad, family, etc has forced me to become so reliant on my good friends. My husband is always away, and my biggest worry was what you stated in your blog, who will I call if one of my kids needs to go to the hospital at 3 am? Luckily, I have quite I few friends that I can call, I am very blessed.

Karen

[keltie]

I have a few, close wonderful 3am friends. I actually think I'm good at choosing friends- my two best friends (twins) have been my BF's for almost 30 years. My mother is my BFF. I am very reserved and selective about my friends. I have an aversion to anyone gossipy or insincere. I look at the person's soul, not the outside package. So, yes, I do think women can be friends but you have to be very selective.

[mamaof4]

Well my girlfriends are "here". I can come to ya'll for anything.... As far as who can I rely on. My mom, MIL and hubb'ys best friend. We could call him at 3 in the morning and he would be here in a picnh.

I had a girlfriend about 5 years ago. Once a month a would put the kids to bed and hubby would be home and me and my girlfriend would leave at about 9:00 at night. We would go eat and then go to the 24 hour walmart and shop till like 2:00 am.

At the time she was having problems in her marraige. But our friendship was strong.

Until, I got pregnant with my 4th. She really put herself at a distance and over the 9 months we pretty much lost touch.

I ran into her right before Christmas and she couldn't of been any nicer. I probably should call her...

Anyway, hubby thinks because things were tumbling around her she couldn't handle being around me. I don't know I loved her. She ended up cheating on her husband. I stood by her side though. I was there for all the hours she cried.

They are still together. Probably about 22 years now.


So I don't know, as far as the housewives on tv. They are FAKE and I think they give us REAL housewives a BAD name!!!!

[Darla Shine]

One thing I should have included in this blog is jealousy. How do you think competition and jealousy comes into play. The author of that book suggest that women are too envious to really be happy for each other. Do you think that is true? I don't. I want the best for my friends.

But, big but, if we can't get pregnant and our girlfriend has no problem, or if you are fighting with your husband and your bff has an adoring husband... your house is small but hers is a mcmansion???? Envy, keeping up with the Jones'....

[Penelope]

I hope women can be friends...I have a couple of friends who are truly good people.

I also have lots of women that are envious and rather destructive. The odd thing is, most of these women are blessed anyhow, and seem to be annoyed that they aren't the ONLY ONE with a nice husband, or a cute child, etc.

If I had a horrible husband, I'll be honest, I'd be jealous of women with great husbands. When I was dating my ex, and I knew we were not meant to me, I was envious of women who met Mr Rights that they were sooo compatible with and happy. I didn't want the guy, but I wanted to be with a man that I felt I was kindred spirits with also. Then again, my envy of other women is why I dumped him (if I wish my bf were as sweet, thoughtful, and compatible with me as other men were with their gals, then duh, he isn't the one).

[Darla Shine]

Well some envy is good. You aspired Penelope to have a good relationship like your friend. There is nothing wrong with that.

[lauramt]

Good topic Darla. I've struggled with female friendships over the years. Have had some great ones and some ones that stabbed me in the back. I think it might get a little better as we get older. My friendships today are not what they were when I was 20. The friendships then were more superficial and we did compare who we were dating, how much money we made, who drove what car, who has the best home... but as I've gotten older, my friendships have shifted from that to "who is there for me at 3 a.m."

I wonder if age and being more comfortable with ourselves as we get older makes friendships easier?

[lunajuly]

i have some amazing women friends..who are just my LIFELINE...and I have known horribly evil women who other people thought were nice, who would smile to your face, and stab you in the back. I think it is insecurity. I think it is jealousy. I think when women feel threatened, they act EVIL...

but not only is true friendship possible, it is WORTH IT :)

[shoppingmamma]

Well first off the Housewives shows they are NOT friends. Vicki's blog this week says she misses the early shows - she really did employ Lauri and was friends with her, she really was neighbors with Jeanna and Jeanna and Tammy really had been friends forever. Now they are forced to be friends for the show. Bethanny from NY said in her blog that none of them were friends when the show started - they knew each other from different social scenes but weren't friends. NJ you can see are REALLY friends - Caroline and Dina are REALLY sisters and Jacqueline really did marry their brother and the 3 of them really were friends with Theresa before - you can see that in their relationships I think. They are more genuine. I think the shows prove you can't force friendship - it's either there or not.

I have had many friends over the years - they come and go - we moved from FL to IA so lost and gained friends from that. I have friends that I make through the kids and their activities and those change as the kids lives change. I do have a few great 3 AM friends too. I am really close with my sisters in law as well.

I think women CAN be friends. For me it just takes the right people - as I have gotten older I can't tolerate the CRAP anymore so tend to shy away from drama and toxic people - there is ALOT of that - I find in the SAHM crowd there is ALOT of that - maybe since moms can be competitive or insecure??? I just don't tolerate that drama so that limits my circles more than when I was younger.

[Brittanie]

Ive had the same friend for 16 years.. Ive always trusted her and I have called her at 3am! I think friendship is similar to marriage, If you always put yourself first it wont work. Putting others feelings first over our own agenda makes friendships work!

[CassyLu1981]

I've had a few girl friends.....not many because most females don't like me for some reason.

My BFF in high school I still talk to but she has gone down to only talking to me once in a while since everything I tell her about her life turns out to be true. They guys she ran away with after high school turned into a complete jerk, I warned her she didn't believe me. I stood by her every second that I could. When she came back she was preganat and gave the baby up for adoption, I was there for her for that. Then she met a guy who beat her, warned her about him too but she wouldn't listen to me. I stood there and held her hand as they stiched up her eye several times. The current ex who she has two beautiful babies with now cheated on her over a dozen times and is a compelte jerk to her kids. I told her he was like that and she again didn't listen. I've invited her to move in with me and my family on several occasions and would do anything for her and she knows that but it just seems like she's jealous of how my life has turned out and how I know what are the right decisions to make no matter how hard it is. I miss her a lot....

My BFF Army Wife, who followed us to 2 duty stations and even though we are at different ones now we still talk all the time, is one of the best females I know. She's a lot like me, calls stuff as she sees it and is past the petty gossip on most army people I've met. She is definately a 3am type of person. She watched our two kids on a whim when my daughter ate walnuts and we didn't know she was allergic, that had to have been the scariest part of my life so far. She was there for me every step of the way. She always has been. We have a 5 year reunion planned too. When we parted stations last time we made a pact that we will go to Walt Disney World in 2013 because the kids will be old enough by then to ride most the rides and have fun! I can call her for anything, a recipie, a medical issue, worries about the deployment, anything and she's always there to listen and I do the same for her!

As of right now, I have a couple girls who would be there for me, we don't know each other too well but so far so good.

So all in all, yes females can have female friends with no problem. They have to work harder to make their relationships work but it's very well worth it to have that one person that you can talk to about absolutely anything! I love all the friends I have but only a few of them know absolutely everything about my life and my kids.

Oh and I don't watch the housewives shows because they are all fake. It's TV!!!!!! Nothing on TV is real, it's all acted from one point or another, even the news......sorry, just my opinion....

[meta]

I thank God for Facebook. Only through this I'm able to trace back my good old close friends that I can talk, joke and trust. I only have a few of them but they're true friends.
Living in Milan, Italy...I've been there and done that with various girlfriends and I realised; everyone was phoney and envious. So, I ceased to cultivate friendships with any of them or even trying to make new ones. I'm just so happy with my pc where I have Skype and Facebook to stay in touch until I'm back in my own environment again as far as social life is concerned and that would be in Jakarta, Indonesia. It's a paradox because only there I truly feel International as life there is large. active, happy, positive that stupid negativities are not rifed like I have experienced here.

[sarahsnuffer]

I love this topic. I have so much to say about this. If you have read any of my older posts, "girlfriends" is a sensitive subject for me. I have had many great friends in my life, but I think that you can never have too many. I have had a bff for over 15 years, but lately my eyes have been open to her not being a great friend. she used to be the kind of person that I could count on no matter what. I used to show up on her door at 3:00am when I could not sleep and she would invite me in. We went through so much together. I guess it is not her fault why she not being a good friend lately, but it kind of is. She is in a terribly bad relationship right now. I have not liked him from the day I met him, but I learned to accept him. But now he should be in prision for several reasons. She lies for him, not just to me but to the police as well. He brainwashed her. And I don't know how to help her. I have tried everything I know how, with everytime the same result. She goes back to him and then she tries to hide it from me. So I know until she moves on from him, she will not be able to be a good friend. Then I had a second BFF that I met through work 4 years ago. Her and I clicked right away. We had so much in common. We went through so much together at the same time. We always had so much fun together.Then I introduced her to a guy that I went to highschool with. They were great together. As soon as they got together I saw a change in her. She would make plans and then not show up and have some lame excuess as to why. My theory on this is, if you don't wat to do something with me, fine but just say you don't feel like it or whatever the case may be. I'm not gonna get mad. I knew she just wanted to be with him and that is fine. So we struggled through that. One day her and I were having a heart to heart and she has always been a little insecure about my friend that I mentioned above because we all went to highschool with her boyfriend and he showed interestin my friend at one time. She was asking me questions and me thinking I was being a good friend answered her truthfully. I thought that was what I should do. Obviously not a good choice.........That has been almost 2 years ago and we have talked a couple of times since then. I don't even have her phone number we only talk on the computer. I wrote her letter after letter trying to figure out what happened to our friendship. Finally after 4 letters or so, she replied and after I poured my heart out to her, her letter was probably 4 sentences long and basically said "I hurt her feelings by telling her the things I did about her boyfriend". Even though I know in my heart I did the right thing because I was truthful and she asked. I will not lie. Sorry if you didn't like what you heard. But how is that my fault. But I took the high ground again and appoligized for "hurting her feelings" told her I wanted to get past it. She wrote me back and said she wanted me to know that I was always a great friend to her, and hopefully someday we can get past this. What is that?????????????????


I have other friends, some are new some are old, but none that I feel like are 3:00 am friends. But lately it just seems like I can't go right with my friends. It is so frusterating. I don't think that I am a bad friend, if anything I think that now since I am stable in my life, I can be a really good friend. But like I said before it feels like friends like it when you have instablities in your life. I don't know. But I do know one thing. No matter what I know that I am a good person, good friend. I am a 3:00 am friend to all of my friends, even those I just consider friends, not bff's. I wish nothing but happiness for all of my friends. And I will not let any of these situations change how I treat friends. I will still be the honest, loyal, kind, helpful friend that I always have been. Wether or not these friendships ever get repaired, I will continue to pray every night for a great long lasting friendship. I'm sure someday I will find it.