Facebook & Twitter destroying us all...

[Darla Shine]

A lady wrote to me to tell me about her daughter's Facebook addiction and how it has ruined her life. This girl is 15 and evidently now in high school the entire social agenda revolves around FB and texting. Girls who are 'in' have pages, pictures, lots of friends, and checks in regularly throughout the day. But when one girl wrote some nasty things about another it went viral. This woman's daughter's reputation was destroyed in about 30 minutes. A photo of the girl naked on the toilet, a prank shot taken at a sleepover of all girls, was texted throughout the school. The girl went into a suicidal depression and is now in therapy. Such a sad story and we all have heard it before. Thank GOD this girl is alive and getting help. But the mother told me that she should have done more to stop her daughter's FB addiction. That she began about 13 and was on it constantly updating and checking in.

Are we losing reality on the web? I am seriously thinking about all of this. And let me tell you I have loved the internet for so long but it is taking a nasty and scary twist. When I started HHC five years ago the web world was a different place. People came for support and knowledge. Now people come on for validation and friendship.

It is wonderful to speak to other women about life but life is real and this internet world is not. We are mature and can hopefully control what we do on here but your young tweens cannot. They are engaging in fake friendships and conversation with people who may not have the best intentions.

I know people who have over 1500 FB friends. In real life they have maybe 5 friends. Then their relatives. So who are these people? Friends of friends of friends. Cousins of husbands of girlfriends? Why? Why befriend someone you don't know? It is just silly isn't it?

[intrinsik]

I know people who have over 1500 FB friends. In real life they have maybe 5 friends. Then their relatives. So who are these people? Friends of friends of friends. Cousins of husbands of girlfriends? Why? Why befriend someone you don't know? It is just silly isn't it?

I know most people who have those ridiculous friend lists with a ton of people they don't actually know have usually fallen victim to the games on facebook. They require you to have certain amounts of people or you can't progress farther -- they all send strangers requests (and accept them from strangers) just to get ahead in the game. They make you send all sorts of requests to your friends (and vice versa) and then you get special privileges in the games as a reward for doing their spamming for them. It's a vicious, obnoxious cycle.

I think all the social networking can be a wonderful thing - it's an easy way for people to keep in touch, find friends from your past that you may have lost contact with, it can help you with your business, and keep everyone updated on that which you choose to share. That being said, there are a lot of people who abuse the technology or over-use it. I think that all these things are like anything else in life.. Fine IN MODERATION. These sites should be used for fun, but they shouldn't be the center of your universe -- if they all went down tomorrow, your life shouldn't be disrupted as a result, if that makes sense.

As for people being mean and trying to inflict harm on others through these mediums, that's more about the person than the medium itself. If they're that mean in general, they'd be that way even without facebook or twitter -- they'd find some other medium to carry out their nastiness (phone gossip, notes, backstabbing through friends, etc.). I'm not saying that as an excuse, just that you can't stop someone from behaving that way if that's just how they are. It doesn't make it right or acceptable, but some people just are that way in general and have to take others down around them to feel better about themselves. We have to learn (and teach others too) to not take negative people so seriously. If we allow them to bring us down, they win and it reinforces their behavior.. If they see that their antics aren't working, they eventually tire of it and move on. Even if we allow them to get us angry, who is that really hurting? Them or us?

Kids need to learn that silly things like these 'social hits' they inflict on one another all pass in time and that they shouldn't let them get to them so personally. I'm not saying it's not a situation that won't cause hurt feelings or frustration, but they have to learn to deal with these things instead of becoming depressed and suicidal. Take the picture of the girl on the toilet situation mentioned above -- if she hadn't allowed herself to be so bothered by it, she could have possibly turned it around and taken the air out of the sails of the jerks who started the trouble.. Made a joke out of it or something. I can remember stupid stuff like this happening when I was in school -- the people who let it get to them got taken down and succumb to the ridicule, those who found the ability to laugh it off often found that others would often start laughing with them rather than at them and everything would blow over.

Life is (unfortunately) full of people who won't be nice to you or try to make you feel like you're worth less than you actually are, but it's not about YOU.. that's about THEM.. and the sooner a person realizes that, the less power the mean people have and the happier the person will be.

[Darla Shine]

Great points. But, vulnerable teen girls I don't think can easily distinguish who is mean over the internet. And worse yet, they are being targeted in a way we never were. In our day a girl could gossip or use the phone but what she said didn't go viral and what she said didn't stay to haunt forever. One girl I was reading about had the worst rumors written about her and she had to quit school from the humiliation. Another story a boy who may have in the old days had a fight instead was the victim of a viral gang beating. It seems that a text goes out calling for boys to meet up to beat up another and hundreds show up.

I think our young people take these social sites way too seriously and that is why I am so concerned. And a lot of adults too.

[Dana]

Phil and I were talking about FB tonight - several of my friends set up and account for their kid - one is Amanda's age (8) and the other one from a different family is Kaitlyns age (12-ish)...

I understand the reasoning... to let your kids play the games, or to keep up with family.

However.

What happened to them writing the grandparents a letter, or even making a phone call? As for the games, there are plenty of other sites that are kid friendly games.

And, yes, I play the games on FB, but I'm an adult, and I'm not on my butt 24/7 doing it.

But, the kicker for me is this. FB has a age of 13 and older to sign up. So, the kids know this, right? And, they see mommy or daddy signing them up anyway. What is this teaching the kids about following rules? That you can bend them?

The internet usage is way out of control. Boot your kids, and yourself for that matter outside. Go dig in the dirt, take a walk, bond with real flesh and blood people. There are so many more important things to do.

And, yes. Everything in moderation, but when it comes to our kids, they don't need to be on the computer that much.

[Brittanie]

FB is not appropraite for kids IMO.. I wont allow my kids on there.. when they are 18 they will have plenty of time to get on there.. Kids should be doing kid things right?

[Dana]

That's what I'm thinking :-)

[Darla Shine]

It's not just FB it's the idea of being popular and famous in America. FB is a small way for a teen to feel these things. Getting a tweet from Taylor Swift or being friends with Demi Lovato on line is huge for these young girls. And some of it is cute and innocent. It doesn't stop here though. The myspace, youtube, and obsession with documenting every move and thought is going to get this young generation in trouble. And they are getting addicted to this attention and need to update hourly. My girlfriend's daughter is having so many issues with this. She gets hysterical if she can't update her pages and keep in touch with her several hundred friends.

[lunajuly]

I think people are much meaner on the internet than on real life...no, i take that back..mean people are mean people, they simply have no fear on the internet b/c they aren't as accountable as they would be in real life and that makes it dangerous

I have not been "bullied" but i have had people say horrific awful things to me that i suspect that would not have said if I was standing right in front of them!

i don't think facebook is the problem. it is merely a means of communication. I think it is a people problem

[blondemama]

i totally know where you all are coming from. My sister is 21 and has been texting/FB/myspace for years. She is constantly on the computer or phone!!! she has no idea what to do with herself without these gadgets! So sad. She doesn't do much but she is constantly texting, i have no idea what she is saying or talking about because she does nothing! Maybe that is why it goes mean so fast or easy because too much idle time only creates trouble.
My husband is the same way (not quite as bad- he uses it for business a lot) but there has been plenty of times i want to throw his phone out the window!!
They (at least my hubby and sister) don't realize how rude it is and how boring it makes them as people. Nothing makes me madder when i'm trying to talk to him and he is checking his email or FB! or when my sister travels all the way down here to NC and wants to sit on my couch with her computer the whole time!
I have decided that the kids will not have cell phones until they are 18. As parents we have to put are foot down sometimes and go against the grain. We also have to set a good example. Life is so precious and joyous when you are really there in the moment, so sad to see young people wasting it away texting and FB.

[Darla Shine]

So instead of chatting with her live sister right in front of her your sister would rather talk to people she doesn't really know on the internet. And your huband? Why does he need to check FB all the time? What does he think he is missing out on? Is it a business thing? My hubby has a blackberry addiction and is checking it constantly. It drives me up a wall.

[blondemama]

i think with my sister it is that she doesn't have any interest so if she gets the slightest bit bored she goes to FB(and bad manners). James has some group sites for movies he keeps an eye on and he uses it for networking with crew. But mainly it is lack of manners in my opinion. I feel like he is a teenager sometimes when i have to tell him to put it away at the dinner table or take it from him when he is driving. At least he lets me type things while he is driving.

[shoppingmamma]

I agree with alot of you that mean girls or people are mean - the bullying would be there regardless......yes you can fw a picture or comment faster than the old way of calling everyone or making copies of pictures and handing out but the mean stuff like when we were kids is still there. I think the problem isn't necessarly the internet but HOW our kids are being raised... now when they play sports as wee kids there is no score keeping, no winners/no losers and everything in how kids are raised is about making them happy, building them up, blah blah..... when we were kids we didn't get every toy, we lost a tball game, we didn't get the trophy, we had other kids have things we didn't - that is just the way it was. Now kids get to Junior High and someone says something mean to them and suddenly they need therapy! When we were in school we'd brush it off easier. I was teased and called the "wall" in 7th and 8th grade as I was soooo skinny and flat chested. At first it hurt but I dealt with it and ignored the kids. Kids now a days have like NO coping skills. There will always been mean girls - that is life. Kids need to learn to cope and deal - now everyone is sucidal and needing therapy!!! I never in my life have known as many kids in therapy as there is now! CRAZY!!!!

I personally LOVE facebook and have no problem with it - my kids are 12 and 9 and have pages too which my husband and I are ON and they write and do things in the main room and we oversee. Like any technology they are great in MODERATION!!! As far as writing a letter to grandma - grandma is on facebook! haha!!! The kids love writing notes to their grandma, their aunts and uncles, their cousins, their friends out of state, their godparents and sharing pictures and such. I think this technology has made them ALOT closer to these people despite the miles. But again people need to OVERSEE their kids - pay attention to what they are doing on there and to LIMIT the time they spend on there!!!! I am actually tired of hearing people blame technology for things that really are their lack of parenting! If they WATCHED their kids and paid attention to what they were doing alot of these problems wouldn't exist - instead they use it as a babysitter and a way to get them out of their hair!!!

[tobyswife_89]

I agree with alot of you that mean girls or people are mean - the bullying would be there regardless......yes you can fw a picture or comment faster than the old way of calling everyone or making copies of pictures and handing out but the mean stuff like when we were kids is still there. I think the problem isn't necessarly the internet but HOW our kids are being raised... now when they play sports as wee kids there is no score keeping, no winners/no losers and everything in how kids are raised is about making them happy, building them up, blah blah..... when we were kids we didn't get every toy, we lost a tball game, we didn't get the trophy, we had other kids have things we didn't - that is just the way it was. Now kids get to Junior High and someone says something mean to them and suddenly they need therapy! When we were in school we'd brush it off easier. I was teased and called the "wall" in 7th and 8th grade as I was soooo skinny and flat chested. At first it hurt but I dealt with it and ignored the kids. Kids now a days have like NO coping skills. There will always been mean girls - that is life. Kids need to learn to cope and deal - now everyone is sucidal and needing therapy!!! I never in my life have known as many kids in therapy as there is now! CRAZY!!!!

I personally LOVE facebook and have no problem with it - my kids are 12 and 9 and have pages too which my husband and I are ON and they write and do things in the main room and we oversee. Like any technology they are great in MODERATION!!! As far as writing a letter to grandma - grandma is on facebook! haha!!! The kids love writing notes to their grandma, their aunts and uncles, their cousins, their friends out of state, their godparents and sharing pictures and such. I think this technology has made them ALOT closer to these people despite the miles. But again people need to OVERSEE their kids - pay attention to what they are doing on there and to LIMIT the time they spend on there!!!! I am actually tired of hearing people blame technology for things that really are their lack of parenting! If they WATCHED their kids and paid attention to what they were doing alot of these problems wouldn't exist - instead they use it as a babysitter and a way to get them out of their hair!!!
:41::41: Well said Jill!!! I could not have said it better myself.

[curley]

I agree with pretty much everything you just said. :)

I agree with alot of you that mean girls or people are mean - the bullying would be there regardless......yes you can fw a picture or comment faster than the old way of calling everyone or making copies of pictures and handing out but the mean stuff like when we were kids is still there. I think the problem isn't necessarly the internet but HOW our kids are being raised... now when they play sports as wee kids there is no score keeping, no winners/no losers and everything in how kids are raised is about making them happy, building them up, blah blah..... when we were kids we didn't get every toy, we lost a tball game, we didn't get the trophy, we had other kids have things we didn't - that is just the way it was. Now kids get to Junior High and someone says something mean to them and suddenly they need therapy! When we were in school we'd brush it off easier. I was teased and called the "wall" in 7th and 8th grade as I was soooo skinny and flat chested. At first it hurt but I dealt with it and ignored the kids. Kids now a days have like NO coping skills. There will always been mean girls - that is life. Kids need to learn to cope and deal - now everyone is sucidal and needing therapy!!! I never in my life have known as many kids in therapy as there is now! CRAZY!!!!

I personally LOVE facebook and have no problem with it - my kids are 12 and 9 and have pages too which my husband and I are ON and they write and do things in the main room and we oversee. Like any technology they are great in MODERATION!!! As far as writing a letter to grandma - grandma is on facebook! haha!!! The kids love writing notes to their grandma, their aunts and uncles, their cousins, their friends out of state, their godparents and sharing pictures and such. I think this technology has made them ALOT closer to these people despite the miles. But again people need to OVERSEE their kids - pay attention to what they are doing on there and to LIMIT the time they spend on there!!!! I am actually tired of hearing people blame technology for things that really are their lack of parenting! If they WATCHED their kids and paid attention to what they were doing alot of these problems wouldn't exist - instead they use it as a babysitter and a way to get them out of their hair!!!

[Darla Shine]

That is probably the case. It isn't FB or Twitter it is the parents allowing them too much unsupervised time on these sites. And this true of any social site. But what would you say to the teens who accept and friend people they don't know. Do you allow that? How do you keep track of what is being put out there for the world to see.

[lunajuly]

there are new privacy settings so you really can control what people see..you just have to be on top of it!

[curley]

That is probably the case. It isn't FB or Twitter it is the parents allowing them too much unsupervised time on these sites. And this true of any social site. But what would you say to the teens who accept and friend people they don't know. Do you allow that? How do you keep track of what is being put out there for the world to see.

If my kids were old enough I wouldn't allow them to accept people who they do not know. Like Cristine said...there are privacy settings out there you just have to be aware of them and utilize them. I would also be going on their account and checking it out. I guess I would say to my teen...just as we wouldn't allow just random people we do not know into our home, you are not allowed to accept/friend people you do not know into your FB "home".

[shoppingmamma]

That is probably the case. It isn't FB or Twitter it is the parents allowing them too much unsupervised time on these sites. And this true of any social site. But what would you say to the teens who accept and friend people they don't know. Do you allow that? How do you keep track of what is being put out there for the world to see.

I was with them to set up their pages so have it set so their names are not searchable - their profile is private. When they post pics or their status and such everything is set so only their "friends" can see. They are not allowed to accept people they don't know - David has like 100 friends since kids at school have pages too but he knows everyone - it's either a family member, friend of the family or friend from school - because I am his friend I can see who he is friends with - and I have both their log ins and passwords. A few of his friends are people I don't know from his elementary school but he has like 25 friends in common with them - the common friends are all kids from school. I look at their pics and home page to see that they are real kids. I check his wall and such and make sure nothing inappropriate is going on. He also has his dad,grandma, his uncles, 4 aunts, our good friends from NY and a few good family friends (adults) from FL and his godfather on his page - if I miss something they'd see it and he knows if something were to get back to his dad or I that was posted inappropriately his page is GONE as well as internet priveleges and the computer. He can "chat" without it being posted but since the kids use the computer in open space I can see it and I can log on to his page with his info and check past conversations - I have before and they are all pretty innocent - questions about homework or friends saying send me this or that on farmville or yoville (apparently a popular game with middle school boys! LOL)

Our old catholic school in FL just had a tragedy week before last - a 5th grade ELEVEN year old girl committed suicide over bullying/mean girls - I guess that is where my strong opinions have come from. While I don't excuse the bullying in ANY way I just don't get how the parents DIDN'T know something was up!!!??!! I can tell when my kids behavior is "off" and we talk every day after school about what happened and such. These parents I guess were upset that the police are not pressing charges against the girls but when they examined the diary they found nothing they could use to prosecute - meaning while they were being mean and such towards this girl WHICH I SAY AGAIN WAS WRONG but it was not so extreme that they could be charged - it was what alot of us growing up would have had done to us. Kids today just have NO coping skills - somehow we have left out teaching them how to deal with situations and how not everything is sunshine and roses all the time! The mean girls will ALWAYS be there - from school as a kid to your adult life with jobs and playgroups and PTO but learning to NOT give them a reaction (which is what they THRIVE on) is not being taught. Also this girl apparently was FINE her parents said before bed - they went to bed and apparently some bullying was happening through texts and the computer - facebook I think. First again WRONG but second why was this girl up while parents in BED???!!??? And why was she allowed to do what she wanted??? We don't go to sleep here until the kids are and when they go to bed all cells are on the counter - charging station - NOT in their rooms and the computers are all downstairs in their central storage location - we have a desk where they sit and charge - we have 4 laptops - Steve's, mine, David's and Sara's but because they are cordless doesn't give reign to a free for all - they are still used in the family room/kitchen area - sometimes David will take his up to do homework - but again I go up and check what he is doing.

I do feel sad for this family and do think it's horrible - don't get me wrong but while I agree the cyber bullying is out of control I just don't get why these kids aren't taught how to deal and cope and how this can happen SO MUCH - like do ANY parents watch their kids anymore???!! If parents were watching what was going on alot of this would be elminated!!! And if they set TIME LIMITS - kids are on the computer like we are - because we are BORED - I tend to check in here while feeding the baby or holding him - kids need to get their butts outside and PLAY! ;)

[shoppingmamma]

I guess I would say to my teen...just as we wouldn't allow just random people we do not know into our home, you are not allowed to accept/friend people you do not know into your FB "home".

great wording ;)

[Darla Shine]

I thought the same thing about the other girl in New England who killed herself. Before she committed suicide she was raped, taunted, and totured through the internet. The parents complained but why didn't they pull her out of the school? Why didn't the mother run the boy who raped her daughter down with her truck? Really? How could that have gotten to that level?

All we ever know is what is going on in our own homes. We as mothers have to take control of our own children. But maybe, we need to start reacting stronger to what is going on in our communities and in our country.

[shoppingmamma]

I thought the same thing about the other girl in New England who killed herself. Before she committed suicide she was raped, taunted, and totured through the internet. The parents complained but why didn't they pull her out of the school? Why didn't the mother run the boy who raped her daughter down with her truck? Really? How could that have gotten to that level?

All we ever know is what is going on in our own homes. We as mothers have to take control of our own children. But maybe, we need to start reacting stronger to what is going on in our communities and in our country.


maybe....good point! Too bad you don't have your show - could be a topic for a week or two! While I feel HORRIBLE for the parents of all these kids that commit suicide everytime I hear that I get SO MAD not understanding how they didn't do anything or know??!! Like every story always has the family saying well they were withdrawn or they were having problems or they were this or that ........ well why didn't you DO something??!!???

I just don't get it -

[Dina]

I think all this interacting over the computer and e-mail, textings, FBing, etc. is making people socially backward. Kids would rather bury their heads in DS games or on the computer than actually interacting person to person. MY kids are way too young for FB -- but their addiction is computer games and Wii -- not at all the same, I know, but I have noticed it is best to severely limit how much time they can go into that zone --and it is a zone because they tune out everything and everyone; it is not good. They miss out on chances to talk to Grandma when she calls -- or they try and rush her off the phone. There is no replacement for human interaction -- even a phone call is better than living life interacting on screen -- where all social graces are lost and it makes it that much easier to be mean and start an avalanche of nastiness. Everything in balance, everything in moderation, that's what I think.

[Darla Shine]

I think I am going to have to start my show up again.

[lyndap]

I think it's very difficult to control what's put out into cyberspace and that's the problem...once it's out there, there's really not alot anyone can do to control it. I think about that poor family who's daughter was killed in a car accident in Orange County, CA and a picture of her with half her head sheared off was and is still posted on the web despite the families attempt to have the pics removed. We have to teach our kids how to deal with this new technology because it's not going away anytime soon.

And we have to teach our kids how to cope with bullies. Just tonight I had a gaggle of 9-10 year old boys come to my house and accuse my son of stealing some Lego toy. It wasn't just the child who owned the toy...it was this child and a bunch of other kids in my neighborhood coming to gang-up on my kid. What if I wasn't there? I'm not sure what my son would have done but he's no shrinking violet.